Me: I’m exhausted.
Husband: Didn’t you take a 2 hour nap?
Me: What do you mean by that?
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) February 16, 2016
Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 23, 2016
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 9, 2016
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
Her: Is it in?
Him: Not yet
Her: Put it In now!
Him: Ok it’s in
Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again!
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 23, 2016
I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.
— Вïҏѳѩг Вєѧг ✪ (@_b1p0larbear) October 27, 2016
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
— Floyd is woke (@dafloydsta) August 17, 2016
Wife: Where are you
Me: The store
W: Don’t lie to me
W: I saw the internet history
M: *hangs up* pic.twitter.com/CbhMqKVGkq
— Hip Dad Online (@hardlyrelevant) May 25, 2016
I bet my husband’s favorite thing about me is how I don’t order anything and then ask for sips of his drink and snatch his french fries.
— Mommy Christmases (@mommy_cusses) September 29, 2016
Husband: I love you.
Me: *eating a potato chip really loudly* You should. I’m a goddamn miracle.
— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) September 12, 2016
Before I got married I didn’t realize “What do you want to watch?” was a rhetorical question
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 16, 2016
[rolls over in bed and whispers to wife]
“I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today”
— rob elliott (@rockymomax) February 16, 2016
Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.
— beth hates Pai, so (@bourgeoisalien) May 3, 2016
Priest: They’ve written their vows
Wife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
— Mostly AFK Bice (@Pro_Jones_) January 10, 2016