Parenting

Mom Who Saved Daughter’s Birthday From Her Ex’s Cake Fail Asks If She Was Wrong To Shame Him

Co-parenting after a divorce can be a struggle—especially if one of the parents is more responsible than the other. But should the more responsible parent be honest with their children about the other parent’s flakiness? Or should they just allow them to see patterns evolve on their own?

That’s what one Reddit user is asking on the AITA forum. Apparently, her ex-husband forgot their child’s special Harry Potter birthday cake—but she had a plan to make him feel bad AND also save her daughter’s birthday. 

“When my and ex’s daughter ‘Megan’ was turning 13 she wanted a tiered Harry Potter cake (she loves the movies). She was very specific in what she wanted. I told her as gently as I could that I didn’t think we’d be able to afford that. And my Ex took that opportunity to be the ‘fun parent’ and said in a doting voice ‘Oh baby don’t worry, Daddy will get you your cake.’ She was all smiles and ran off to get her bags,” the OP writes. 

The OP said she told her ex that if he was going to promise the cake, he needed to order it early. He got annoyed and told her he knew what he was doing and didn’t need her help. 

“I know my ex. He puts things off that aren’t about him. I knew he was going to forget to order. Usually I’d pester him so he wouldn’t forget. But he said he didn’t need my help so I decided to not bring it up unless he did. But I did call a friend I have who started decorating cakes to order the cake from her. It cost a bit more than I’d have liked but not as much as I’d been worried it would,” the OP said. 

Well, guess what? Her ex forgot to order the cake. 

“I was going to tell him not to worry, I ordered the cake for him. But then he says, “why didn’t you remind me?!” I just snapped and said he needed to figure this out and he better have a cake tomorrow, then I hung up. He brought a cake…a plain white sheet cake with red trim and one of those print out sugar decals on the front of Harry Potter and his two friends. And a wax ’11’ candle…she was turning 13. He revealed the cake DURING her party so everyone was sitting quiet and Megan looked heartbroken and tried to be nice but she asked what happened to the cake she wanted. Ex floundered and I let him for a few seconds before laughing ‘HAHA JUST KIDDING!’ And then I went and pulled the cake I ordered from the kitchen.” 

So, the OP saved the day with the cake. But her ex was upset. He said that the OP humiliated him and let him look like a bad father. She said that the only one who made him look bad was him. Should she have told him about the cake? 

“Um…you actually saved him from ‘looking’ like a bad father (putting that in quotes because he doesn’t look like one, he is one) by having the cake she wanted ready and making it look like his shitty contribution was just a joke. I am extremely glad that this man is your ex and that you are there to be a real parent to your daughter,” said lightwoodorchestra. 

“It sounds like to everyone on the outside that you two were in on it and just teasing your daughter. He’s the only one that had to sit there and shit his pants because he fucked up. He should have dropped to his knees and thanked you and asked how much he owed you for the damned cake,” said lovebeinganasshole. 

“People need to stop excusing deadbeat fathers for their bad time management. You saved the day because you KNEW how he was, it’s not your job to keep holding his hand while he keeps on acting as if you’re the bad guy. Sounds like he’s used to you saving his ass. Maybe next time, let him fail,” suggested cultqueennn. 

“You went above and beyond. So far beyond that he didn’t even have to own his fuckup. You were kinder than you had to be while also still letting him learn the lesson. My vote would be different if you hadn’t played it off like a prank on your daughter,” noted rs_plays_ac. 

“He should be grateful to you but more importantly, absolutely ashamed that you knew that he is unreliable and that his promises are empty, so much so that he couldn’t even get. a. cake. for his daughters birthday. You handled it the way you should, it is not your job to “save face” for him. Him feeling embarrassed is justified, he absolutely should. But what really gets on my nerves is that, not only did he not keep his promise. His lousy last-minute-solution cake had candles with a wrong age on it. He does not even know how old his daughter is. To say that I feel bad for your daughter – for having such an incompetent, selfish, uninvolved and non-caring father – is an understatement,” said freyathewolf. 

Would you have let your ex hang in the wind if they pulled a stunt like that?

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Patricia Grisafi

Patricia Grisafi, PhD, is a freelance writer and educator. Her work has appeared in Salon, Vice, Bitch, Bustle, Broadly, The Establishment, and elsewhere. She is passionate about pit bull rescue, cursed objects, and designer sunglasses.