Most couples with children will argue about the division of labor at least a few times in their lives. Sometimes it feels like one partner is doing way more than they should while the other is not contributing at all. That’s the case in this post from Reddit’s AITA forum.
One stay-at-home mom of four is frustrated that she never gets any time to relax while her husband comes home from work and zones out. So, in retaliation she threw a fit and locked herself in her room all Saturday to give him a taste of what it’s like to do what she does every day.
Was that necessary or should get some couples’ counseling?
“I am a mom of 4. I know, that’s a lot of kids, but I wouldn’t change it. The kids are 10 (m), 9 (f), 6 (m), and 2 (m). I am a stay at home mom while my husband works m-f 9-5. His Saturdays are pretty relaxed, he hangs out with the kids, then goes out with the boys that night. Sunday is church and a family dinner,” the OP writes.
As opposed to her husband’s schedule, the OP keeps a frantic pace. She explains that her daily schedule is: 5:30: wakeup, shower, coffee in silence 6:30: set out clothes, wake up house 7:30: cook/tend to 2 year old 8:00: eating, make husbands lunch. 8:30: get kids logged on and set up for school. 9-11: breakfast cleanup, help kids with school, entertain 2 year old, light cleaning, fix snacks 11-12:30: fix lunch, feed kids, take kids out to play while tending garden 1-3: deep cleaning 1 room, entertain kids 3-4: laundry 4-5:30: dinner prep and cooking 5-6: feed everyone 6-7: run errands/after dinner cleanup 7-8: bathtime/snacks, bedtime routine 8-9: get kids in bed 9-10: clean then sleep.”
She says that she is constantly exhausted and running on empty.
“This finally came to a head this last Friday when my husband got upset with me for complaining that I was tired. I asked him what he did every day that he’s too tired to help out and maybe that’s why I am exhausted, that I do everything. I haven’t had a break since my 2 year old was born. He told me I didn’t need a break, that it’s easy to do my job. I ended up screaming that the next day, he is tending to the house and kids, and that I was locking myself in our room and playing video games all day.”
The OP stuck to her word. She refused to unlock the door on Saturday and played video games. Her MIL called and was angry that the OP was “ignoring” her family. Moms need a break! Is she the a**hole, is the Dad an a**hole, or do they need to completely re-think their system?
“That was a baller move and I salute you. If your husband can’t acknowledge that being a stay at home mom during a pandemic is a tough job, then he can learn the hard way,” said Deliquate.
“It’s hilarious he called his own mom when this happened, as if MIL has any power in this situation. Good on you OP. I hope a constructive conversation happened Saturday night,” said bakarac.
“If the kids are at home, you have a full time job. What does your husband do? It’s probably less energy intensive than taking care of your kids. The general rule is, when your husband comes home, it’s a division of labor. He was working during the day as were you. He picks up half the load when he is home. He 100% deserved being put on full duty for a day with his ‘it’s easy comment.’ The only husbands who say that are husbands who have never actually taken care of everything for a period of time. And one day break in the past two years???? You need some more holidays. Maybe your MIL, who seems happy to give you her opinion, can pitch in and help too,” noted cdifl.
“I’ll say ESH. Hubby for the obvious reasons. You for not doing this way sooner. A better division of labour needed to be done back when your eldest were really young. Hubby can make his own lunches, and do his own laundry, and help with the kids once he is home. The kids, other than 2, can dress themselves, especially if they are doing schooling from home. The older kids can be given some chores to help out. Find some free time, find some friends, make hubby step up,” said Fullback70.
“Honestly if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t be making him lunch after his comment about how ‘easy’ it is to do your job. That’s not advice, just would’ve been my reaction. But at the same time I don’t think this will help you in the long run. He can take care of the kids for a day and won’t actually realize how tiring it is because it’s just one day, while you’ve been doing this for 2 years. Maybe talk to him and tell him that you want one or two evenings off once he’s finished work to yourself, where he doesn’t let the kids bother you. Honestly, maybe you guys should go to couple’s therapy/counseling because even if he admits you’re right it could easily happen again and in the long run it could lead to resentment, unhappiness, etc. If he is unwilling to go to therapy and doesn’t have a good excuse it’s a HUGE warning of what’s going to come when there are problems like this,” suggested infinitely_annoyed.
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