Dan Wilbur
Not everyone is a chef. Frankly, it’s not that hard to throw some oil in a pan and follow a recipe, but I was gifted at a young age with the power to read.
Not everyone is like me, and I know that now.
Someone on Reddit shared a heinous culinary act, and asked others if they’d witnessed anything like it: “My Mother just threw a whole plain 1 lb. chunk of ground beef in the toaster oven. What crimes happen in your house?”
Sadly, many people had answers. They were all horrific and I’m surprised they all lived to tell the tales.
Please do not send this to Gordon Ramsay. He’ll have a heart attack.
Here are the funniest and saddest “food crimes” people were brave enough to share:
1. The cursed casserole.
“My mother in law puts uncooked spaghetti noodles, unseasoned chicken breasts in a casserole dish topped with barbecue sauce and bakes it till the chicken is dried out. The noodles are also stuck to the bottom of the dish. She thinks ice glazed chicken means it’s already seasoned.” –interstellargangbang
2. My eyes are wide open.
“My aunt baked a chocolate cake for my brothers 12th birthday. Recipe said to use one cup of coffee… so she used one cup of shredded espresso beans instead of brewed coffee.
The birthday party was going well beyond bed time.” –R0B7
3. Chicken a la gross.
“My grandmother never learned to cook. One day she cooked chicken breast that had “marinated” in only distilled white vinegar. Absolutely inedible. Called my MIL begging for help. She recommended soy sauce. Apparently it hide many sins. It did not hide that particular sins however.” –foxandsheep
4. Charred pizza.
“To this day there’s a joke between my sister and me that the best meal our mom ever made was when she broiled the frozen pizza by accident. This was in the 70’s when this happened.” –julznlv
5. One day, it will work.
“My mom has tried multiple times to boil an egg (shell on) in the microwave. Needless to say, it was always a mess.” –alau139
6. I might die now.
“Boiling canned asparagus as a side dish for dinner.” –eric_in_cleveland
7. Boiled what now?
“I asked my Dad how to make steaks once.
“Well first we have to boil them.” –samuraipanda85
8. An abomination.
“My mother-in-law’s burrito recipe. Room temperature flour tortilla, boiled hot dog, canned black olives, and shredded carrots.” –nobody_likes_beets
9. Woops.
“Guest used a 9×13 Pyrex pan to fry bacon. Had glass and bacon grease embedded in the ceiling. Thankfully no one was hurt.” –EntrepreneurOk7513
10. Just like Mom used to make.
“My brother made ramen… put it in the microwave in a bowl for 5 mins not realizing it needed water.
Ramen was black charcoal. smoke filled the house and inside if microwave was now brown.
He put the ramen brikette in the dumpster where it lit itself on fire, I stomped it out and it melted into the sole of my shoe….
Microwave was not salvageable.” –Psylocke-66
11. Someone will hurt herself.
“My old roommate used to (and still does, I think) take a non-stick pan and put it on the stove, turn the burner up to the highest setting, then while the pan was still stone cold would throw in a rock solid frozen turkey burger patty. When it would inevitably blacken on the outside she would then take a kitchen knife to the patty while it was in the nonstick pan and would cut the still frozen patty in half, leaving saw marks in my pans. The worst part? To this day she still claims to be an amazing cook.” –puff_pastry_1307
12. Sweet ham.
“Once for a holiday a guy I was stationed with was going to cook a ham in a crock pot. Had no idea what he was doing. Was told to use juices and stuff to give it flavor by our boss. Well…we didn’t have any of that. He ended up using Sunny D and Milk. Was the most traumatic food experience of my life.” –Maindps
13. At least you won’t get sick?
“I caught mom washing raw chicken with dish detergent in the sink.” –NearbyRefrigerator5
14. I enjoy the foods of other cultures.
“My mom makes something she calls “Chinese dipped chicken”
Take chicken breasts, boil until dry. Heat canola oil and soy sauce with chunks of ginger and green onions. Throw away the ginger (it’s too spicy). Dip the chicken in the canola oil, soy sauce, and green onion mixture.
She used to serve this to me a lot as a kid, and now that I’m an adult keeps trying to give me the recipe because “it’s so good.” For the longest time I thought you couldn’t eat ginger itself, only use it like a bay leaf.” –Gravekeepr
15. That’s not what you’re supposed to do.
“My mother microwaves salad.
Not a meat or egg or other salad.
Salad made up of plants. In the microwave. For 60 seconds.” –RydNightwish
16. Roll that beautiful bean footage.
“My stepdad dumped a can of baked beans on a whole raw chicken and baked it in the oven. It looked like it was covered in tumors.” –ArtaxIsAlive
17. Oh, no thanks!
“My MIL made a fresh pico salsa… right after chopping raw chicken on the same cutting board and with the same knife.
When I pointed it out she was like ‘oh oops!’… and then brought out the chips.” –sillysaucy
18. Bean Son.
“My mom is home alone and I lived 45 minutes away. She calls me frantically crying. She is very hungry and can’t open the can of soup. This is before FaceTime and video chat. I am trying to explain to her how to use the can opener to no avail. She starts to have a total melt down “please come and help me! I am going to pass out! I am starving”. Alas, I drive down there and find this poor can that looks like might have been hammered at some point. It was an easy open, pull tab can, that’s why the can opener wasn’t working.” –acababune
19. Yum!
“I watched my father in-law put a chunk of raw beef and raw rice together in a bowl, which he then threw into the microwave for five minutes. His reasoning? “The juices from the meat will cook the rice.” The whole thing caught on fire and it all smelled awful. Goddamn terrible.” –shebreastedbooobily
20. Hello, Food Network? I have someone who should host a show!
“My friend’s mom has the most beautiful custom kitchen and cooks ground beef in the microwave. Literally beef in a plastic colander.” –fermenttodothat
21. Soft, like I like it.
“Went over a friend’s house for dinner, got there just as she dumped two boxes of fettuccini in a large pot of boiling water. Then we chatted for about 45 minutes. Every now and then she walked over to give it a stir. I don’t know exactly what she was looking for but she kept waking away from it like it needed more time.
When she felt it was done she drained it, put it in a big bowl, and dumped two jars of vodka sauce on top, and served generously, unfortunately. Then as an afterthought she went to the fridge and pulled out an uncovered bowl of pre grated parmesan, pinched her fingers into it and sprinkled it on her plate, and passed the bowl to me to do the same. It was a rough meal.” –admiralfilgbo
h/t Reddit: r/AskReddit
