Ruin My Week
We have all pretended to be asleep at one point or another because it is maybe the best and only avoidance tool we have as adults. Don’t want to keep arguing with your SO? Pretend to be asleep! Can’t think of anything worse than going out to the bar with your roommates? Pretend to be asleep! Just overheard the most awkward thing imaginable between two people you don’t know very well? Pretend to be asleep!
The downside of this tactic is that most of the time you don’t actually want to hear these things and yet you’re forced to hear them—and sometimes to even keep them to yourself forever. Redditor u/Da_Bugo asked the community, “What is the worst thing you’ve overheard while pretending to be asleep?” and these 26 people shared their tales:
1.
‘no wonder people at school think he’s gay’ – my step mum—u/radioactive_koala
2.
My older brother in the next room when he snuck a girl in. They had sex for about a minute and then I could hear him apologizing for about 20. May not be the worst ever, but its definitely the funniest.—u/Sigurd93
3.
My “friends” talking about going into my wallet later and steal my money, and then leave before I notice, I kicked them out—u/bodymeat_112
4.
That I was dying with Meningitis but jokes on the doctors I’m still kicking—u/FeedBean6
5.
Sleeping over at a friends house when I was 14, all of us on the floor in living room. Couldn’t sleep. Two of my friends (guy and girl) directly next to me start doing freaky things to each other. I was extremely shy and a couple of years younger than them so I stayed quiet and hoped they’d stop. Had to listen to them for an hour while she made weird ass moaning squeaky noises and he was singing (in a weird slightly whispery singy voice) matchbox 20 songs to her while he did whatever he was doing. That was last time I slept over at a friends house.—u/ashananon
6.
Freshman college roommate watching porn on his laptop wearing headphones, humping his mattress like there’s no tomorrow.—u/underpar86
7.
I pretended to sleep through the doctor sitting at my kitchen table telling my dad he had stage 3 cancer. I was 9. He’s totally fine now! But it really sucked at the time.—u/slightlysarcastic75
8.
When I was a kid, I used to be scared of monsters or something creeping up on me in my sleep, so I would always ask my dad to check on me before he went to bed. It made me feel more comfortable. One night, I was still awake when I heard him coming up the stairs, and I wasn’t supposed to be awake and knew I would get in trouble if he saw me, so I pretended to be asleep.
He came in to my room and just kinda stared at me for a few seconds, then came up close to my bed, lifted the blanket up, farted under it, turned around and left.
It’s been at least 15 years and I remember that night vividly. He vehemently denies it to this day but I know what happened.—u/YaBoiStego
9.
My father telling my mother that sometimes he just wanted to kill me (I was 5 years old when I overheard this). Being that my Dad was an alcoholic and full of rage I believed him and lived my entire childhood believing he was going to kill me.—u/Jovictes
10.
My mom having an affair with her fiance’s best friend (who was married). In the same room that I was sleeping in. I was like 10 years old.—u/hipsterbreadfart
