Patricia Grisafi
A lot of relationship problems are rooted in one or both partners’ senses of inequality—something in the power dynamic that feels off and can cause insecurity. With financial inequality, it can sometimes feel like the partner who makes less doesn’t have as much say in how money is spent—or the partner who makes more feels anxious about providing.
Over on Reddit, one guy is finding out just how fraught financial inequality between partners can be since revealing how much he makes. Now, his partner has threatened to quit working and is framing herself as a “future trophy wife”—and he’s not happy about that.
“A bit of background my girlfriend and I are 30 and 31 respectively. We have been dating for about a year. I work as a high-level engineer at a good firm and my girlfriend works as a payroll specialist at a good firm too. I make significantly more than her (3x). Things were good in our relationship until I showed her my retirement/savings. She now doesn’t see the point of working and has started framing our relationship in that, she is the beautiful one and that I am the nerdy engineer that was lucky to have her,” the OP writes.
“Before, when we met she was all about making it her own way, eventually starting her own company with her sister in sourcing and recruiting. But now she jokes about driving a Range Rover and wearing Lululemon and going to Yoga.”
Joking about getting a Range Rover is one thing, but would the OP’s girlfriend really give up on her dreams of an independent career because her boyfriend makes more money than she does?
“We were having a discussion again about this ‘trophy wife’ stuff she brought up that I was nerdy back in the day while she was very popular. I told her she is not a trophy wife, that yes she is attractive but its not a huge difference between us. I told her had it been the case that I met her when she was 22 and I was my current age than sure, but she isn’t 22 anymore. After I said that she just started crying like crazy.”
I mean, it’s pretty clear that the OP’s girlfriend is trying to establish her place in the relationship (in a weird way, admittedly) after finding out how much income disparity is between the two. Identifying herself as once-upon-a-time the popular, cool girl in opposition to her “nerdy” boyfriend is one way to get power.
But that approach didn’t work for the OP at all, and he hurt her feelings:
“I tried to talk to her but she was in no state for a conversation. I don’t know what to say, guys, for me, I just wanted to say that I think we are of similar attractiveness. Like I don’t think anyone when they see us turns their head and is like oh she is with him the cause of money? Or damn he is so lucky to be with her.”
“What should I do? I like the fact that we both work and I don’t want to change that dynamic. And I don’t want her to think too that she is above me that I am so lucky to have her. I want her to think of us as equals and in my attempt to do that I hurt her feelings. What’s the next move?”
Redditors had good advice, encouraging the OP to explore the issue from a deeper perspective.
“Before she knew about the money she felt she was better looking with a similar job though she made less which balanced out. Now she knows the job thing (or at least money/savings) is nowhere near “equal” so she needed to feel superior in a different way. She went with looks and suggested she could quit working to support that theory but OP showed her that she was wrong again. They’re definitely red flags but I think they may be more rooted in her needing to come to terms with mediocrity than her being a gold digger,” said ash-leg2.
“I think she feels inadequate because she makes significantly less money than you, and she’s trying to compensate for it by telling herself (and you, and possibly others) that she is prettier/better looking. sorta like, I may not have the $$$, but i have better looks and that makes us ‘equals.’ It’s fucked up and disrespectful to you (and herself). I would talk to her and make it clear that you don’t see the next 40 years of your life being the sole bread winner. that your prefer a partner who’s also working and managing finances. If you live together, start splitting your rent+other expenses. Establish norms that make things equitable. ofc, don’t put her down in the process. I think a lot of this comes from insecurity over her own financial status,” agreed examiner007.
“This seems to be a very textbook case of psychological projection. Because of your discrepancy in salary, she likely feels like she is worth less than you. She likely feels like her best years are behind her, seeing as you took off and are only going up. Her poking around about her being a trophy wife is her seeking validation that she is not worthless and that you still value her, and her financial contributions are nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t think she is a gold digger, I think she is taking some hits on her self esteem (through no fault of your/ her own). I think some counselling would go a long way here,” said meg-kil.
Redditors also said that the OP needed to work on his communication skills because, yikes, he sounds like he can be cruel and unfeeling.
“You told her that when she was 22 she was more attractive than you, but she’s not anymore? And then you were surprised when she started crying? It sounds like she was feeling inadequate upon finding out how much more money you make, and was looking for reassurance that you think she’s beautiful/worth it. Instead…you basically called her old and ugly. Apologize. Once you’ve made up, you can discuss how the “trophy wife” thing hurt your feelings, and you think you should both keep working,” advised LOSS35.
What do you think the OP should do?
