One of the things I love about weddings today is that you can celebrate however you want. Want to be traditional? Fine! Want to have an officiant wear a horse head? That’s great, too. Same goes for the wedding party. Make your dog your best man or maid of honor, I don’t care. Probably a lot less drama with a pup at your side (well, I guess that depends if your dog is a diva).
However, for some folks, there are a few things about unconventional weddings that make them uncomfortable. What do you do if you’re getting married and your partner does not approve of your choice of best man or maid of honor because of that person’s gender? That’s the problem one Redditor found himself in while wedding planning.
While talking about their wedding plans, the OP said he already knew who his “best man” would be: his friend, Kate. That didn’t go over well with his fiancee, Jasmin.
“Jasmin kind of freaked and was really adamant about her not being the BM. I asked her why and she listed off a lot of reasons, none of which I believe. She said it’ll look weird in the photos, it’ll be weird when Kate has to walk down the aisle with her maid of honor, that she doesn’t want Kate to be distracting to guests, that Kate’s too short (wtf?) to stand next to a bunch of 6ft+ guys. The reasons were ridiculous, and I told her as much,” the OP writes.
So what does he think the real reason for Jasmin’s rejection of Kate as the best man? Jealousy.
“We ended up getting into a big argument. Jas was upset that I wasn’t budging on my stance and I was mad she was acting so irrational. She was being really accusatory about why I wanted Kate in the wedding so bad. I finally told her if she doesn’t want to let me have this one thing maybe there shouldn’t be a wedding at all. She got really angry and told me to just leave our apartment,” the OP continues.
Since then, the OP has been staying at friends’ places while he and Jas try to figure out what should happen.
“Last time I tried to talk to Jas she asked if I was ready to apologize and I said no, cause I don’t want her to think she was right about forbidding me from letting Kate be in the wedding,” he said.
The OP also explained that he does not have a romantic past with Kate, and he thought “usually pretty easy-going” Jasmin had gotten used to their close friendship. He does not want to call off the wedding but feels like things are at an impasse. So he reached out to fellow Redditors for advice on what to do—an if he was behaving like an a******.
Some folks said that the OP is allowed to choose who he wants to be in the wedding party and Jas needs to be okay with that.
“This wedding is just as much your day as it is hers, and you absolutely deserve to have someone up there that you trust as your Best Wo/Man. Your fiancee needs to not only recognize that, but figure out whatever insecurity is causing her to lash out in this manner,” said BKP1996.
“I had a two bridemaids and a bridesman. My husband had two best men (a couple) and two groomsmen (one of them was my brother who would traditionally been on ‘my side’ and not my husband’s). Our pictures looked awesome, like a bunch of mates hanging out,” said LikeEveryoneSheKnows. “If you let her dictate this because of spurious reasons like the photos not looking right or her being ‘too short’ (wtf, by the way?) you will resent her for it. She needs to chill out.”
“It may not be traditional, which I’m betting is the real reason, but your best man really should be your best friend. If your best friend just happens to be female, then it really should be her standing next to you on your wedding day. Weddings aren’t as ‘traditional’ as they used to be. Lots of wonky things are happening, the least of which being a female best mate. You have no reason to apologize. But she’s seriously digging her heels in on this one. Your wedding is about BOTH of you. Not just her. Do not let her bully or guilt you in to things you don’t want. And if it’s that bad of a disagreement, maybe you need to put the wedding off for a little longer,” advised IridianRaingem.
Some users said to try and consider what Jas might be feeling and not communicating.
“I know I’m going to be crucified, but I don’t necessarily see this as a big red flag. PROVIDED, that is, that Jas is OK with your friendship in all other respects. Having a female best man is, obviously, against tradition. And because it’s against tradition and a rare sight to see, you just know there would be people raising eyebrows and whispering. So many people who don’t know you well (extended cousins of the bride, for example), may think there’s a story going on there. I wouldn’t want to walk down the aisle to whispers, or see people give me sympathetic looks on my freaking wedding day. I’m not saying that behaviour is OK, or that you should care what other people think (especially when they’re wrong!) But I could see Jas being upset about it,” said Bairbearbarebear.
Others said the couple was not communicating effectively and should probably sit down and talk about the larger issues probably at play.
“A part of getting married is learning to compromise and communicate. You say your fiancée is jealousy of your best friend. This isn’t something you should fight or give in on, but rather seriously explore. Is she jealous of how much time you two spend together, or how your BF looks, or is it about something else? What about your relationship makes your fiancée insecure? You need to both work through it. As for the bridal party, ask your fiancée if she would be cool with BF being a bridesmaid- dressing like one, walking with the girls- instead of the best man. If your fiancée is perfectly okay with that, I suggest you accept it and just refer to/give title to BF as the ‘best man’ (assuming BF would be okay with it). If fiancée is not okay with it, then you are right, and there are bigger issues here,” said Spectrum2081.
What do you think? Is this really about tradition or something more?