Patricia Grisafi
We’ve all let ourselves go a little during the pandemic. I haven’t had a hair cut in almost a year, and let’s just say my regular jeans are a tad snug at this point (when I even bother to wear jeans instead of sweatpants). And our partners are probably similarly putting personal grooming and hygiene on the back burner. But we all know we’re going through difficult times and need to be kind and gentle with each other. However, some couples have broken up over seemingly superficial things like weight gain—like this one couple on Reddit.
My friend and roommate Kim was dating Dave for a little less than a year. Within the last year Kim has gained about 15-20 kg. I won’t disclose too much but this was in part due to the lockdown and closing of gyms. Kim is insanely beautiful in my opinion, regardless of weight. But her Ex Dave broke up with her a couple months ago. He told her he no longer feels attracted to her. Kim was devastated. I felt horrible for her, and I was there for her and supported her to the best of my abilities. According to her Dave did not mention her weight as the reason for the break-up, but she said that it was obvious,” the OP writes.
“Our friend group has been talking a lot of shit about him, and at first I understood and agreed to most things but recently I have been bothered by the ‘hate’ he is getting.”
The OP writes that Dave was a very superficial person—but so is Kim: “She said and says things like ‘If my partner starts balding or gets fat I’m leaving him’ or ‘If a man cannot take care of me (financially) I’ll get a better one.'”
“When she got with Dave she told me how great it is to be with someone who shares her values and puts as much importance into looks as her. They would always make jokes around each other like ‘Don’t eat too much, if you get fat I’ll leave you’ or ‘If you shave your beard you know it’s over between us!'”
The OP says that the other day, she thinks she hurt Kim’s feelings by telling her that she needs to date people who don’t care as much about looks.
“She asked me what I meant and I clarified that I meant that she and Dave both are very superficial and that dating guys like that will probably always end in heartbreak. She asked me if I was implying that it was her fault that Dave broke up with her because she got bigger and I told her yes and no. I kind of think it is her fault, not for gaining weight, but for dating a guy that told her he would dump her if she became unattractive and still being surprised and sad when he did. She is really angry at me now.
“Maybe what I said was insensitive, but the break-up happened almost 3 months ago and I only wanted to give her advice on how to avoid such heartbreak in the future.”
Did the OP overstep her boundaries with this advice?
“After we listen to someone vent for long enough about an issue they are partially responsible for we tend to want to inject some honesty to help them gain perspective. It is, in fact, an act of friendship,” said nannylive.
“Yes and no. From the way you worded the statement that she should be into guys that aren’t as into looks, she might have taken it that you were saying she was now ugly. She’s probably feeling very vulnerable right now. From the the weight gain and the breakup. She needs to be picked up right now. Not brought down. Yes, she was vain and needed to be took down a notch but this incident has already done that for her. Hopefully, the experience makes her a better person. But you should’ve chosen your words more carefully. She doesn’t need salt rubbed into that open wound. With that said, you were right in telling her that she needs to be less caught up in looks. She’d be a lot happier if she wasn’t and wasn’t around such superficial guys. She needs someone who thinks she’s beautiful but is also attracted to her for her other attributes as well,” explained NocturnalSprite.
“ESH. You’re right, being with someone for their looks will always be an unhealthy relationship. But the way you said it sounded more like anyone who values having an attractive partner will end up leaving you. That’s not what you said but I’m sure that’s what she heard. idk I think you really put your foot in your mouth,” said yougottabekiddingm.
“You’re not the asshole for being right that by dating someone so superficial the moment your friend no longer fit into that rigid expectation of looks and appearance she was dumped. But that’s also not entirely her fault, the boyfriend is so stuck in his deal breakers that your friend was so easily pushed away. She probably should start dating someone who doesn’t have superficial deal breakers. Bodies change as people grow and go through times of stress and I think your friend should also work on not pinning everything in a relationship on their partner’s looks,” suggested curlsborealis.
What would you tell the OP?
Lead image via Pixabay.
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