Patricia Grisafi
Everyone has a story about how their parents totally destroyed their childhood. It’s a part of life! Hopefully, you can get some therapy, process the situation, and eventually forgive.
But what if your parents were polyamorous and you hated it? That’s the dilemma one Redditor posed on the AITA thread.
The OP explains that their parents’ poly lifestyle basically screwed them up as a kid and recently yelled at them for it. Was this an overreaction or a necessary catharsis?
“I believe it started when I was around 6 years old. My parents often had ‘friends’ over in the house. I didn’t know they were polyamorous of course. One day I was outside playing, got hurt and when I ran inside and caught my parents making out with some random guy. They told me they have other adults that they love and it’s a completely normal thing. Me being a child just accepted that,” the OP said.
The OP says that their parents eventually gave up being secretive and their partners would always be around:
“I remember that on my 10th birthday they invited 3 of their partners, one of who I’d never seen before, and for the rest of the day my parents just withdrew from my party and hung out with them…Sometimes I came home from school and my parents were gone and there was some random adult in our house, some of them seemed surprised that my parents even had a child.”
While there are all sorts of ways to have relationships and parent, having random people alone with your children is probably not the best idea?
“I always hated it, but since my parents had told me this was normal, I assumed many adults probably did similar things and that it’s just an adult thing all kids hate. Later they had less partners and eventually seemed to stop. Not that I’d know for sure bc I moved out with 17. I didn’t think about it anymore. A year ago I started therapy (other reasons). As usual the topic of my upbringing came up and it brought back many feelings I wasn’t aware of. I realised that although my parents were always good to me, I had never really felt close to any of them and still have a lot of resentment that they made me feel like I had to compete for my parent’s attention with random strangers.”
The OP visited their parents and learned some interesting information: Their parents were going to take part in a documentary about polyamorous families and they wanted OP to participate and “tell everyone that polyamory ‘doesn’t mess kids up.'” That set the OP off.
“All my resentment bubbled up and I said that I cannot agree because I would not be able to say anything positive. My parents looked shocked…I unloaded all, that I always felt pushed aside, we barely had any family time without strangers intruding…it turned into an argument and I became loud and yelled that the truth is it did f–k me up and they shouldn’t have had a child if their number one priority was f–king the whole world.”
The OP said their mother started crying and that shook them up. Later, their father sent a message asking to have a discussion, but the OP can’t bring themselves to reply.
Redditors had lots of advice for the OP, including not to allow their parents to gaslight them—and also, not to blame polyamory for the parents’ personal failings to protect their child and make them feel cared for.
“Do not back down and allow them to get you to recant, OP. Notice that they said ‘we’re sorry you feel this way,’ not ‘we’re sorry for doing xyz.’ They gave you a non-apology. For making your childhood basically a wallflower to an orgy, no less,” said bootlegenergy.
“What sort of parent allows their kid to come home alone to a stranger in the house that didn’t even know the kid existed? ‘Good to me’ my ass, that’s horrible parenting,” said Enilodnewg.
“The non apology is cruel. They want to control the narrative here. Especially given that they’re taking part in a documentary. Their house of cards is tumbling down before their eyes. They were proud of their lifestyle and their ignorant happy bubble just popped. I mean what the hell, they left strangers for OP to find at home, who didn’t know their partners had a kid? Didn’t even give anyone a heads up? It’s just reckless and piss poor parenting, entirely self absorbed. Their relationships took priority over their child, it was neglectful. I think it might be good for OP to take some space, talk to their therapist and maybe people they trust to figure out how to best address this. This was never a healthy family relationship, and OP is in a precarious moment of their life. Just unloaded their true feelings for the first time and feeling very raw, and could be ganged up on in a family discussion with an agenda looming. Reinforce your feelings OP, they’re valid. Only address them when you feel prepared. I would make it clear I’d want nothing to do with the documentary unless you can be honest about how damaging the lifestyle was,” suggested Enilodnewg.
“It’s fine for your parents to be poly, OP, but they should not have had new partners anywhere near you until they were intended to be long term, and not without explaining it to you. On the other hand, though, it probably would’ve been beneficial to bring up this resentment with them before now. I would definitely suggest therapy. Most importantly, as a poly (childfree) person, please please don’t blame this on polyamory. It sounds like you’re along the road toward disliking poly people in general, and that’s hurtful. What your parents did was wrong, but it was a reflection on them as people, not on polyamory,” explained the-sunshine-slut.
“Parents can still have healthy sex lives, but come the fuck on there HAS to be a boundary. Especially with your own children; what OP’s parents did is borderline abusive…NTA op, don’t back down to their gaslighting either,” said Dehos3.
“Upside, your parents seem to be AH through obliviousness and neglect and might be open to apologizing and trying to fix what they can. Maybe message your dad that you are not in a place to talk at the moment and will get back to them, then talk to your therapist and develop a timeline for when and how you can talk. As to not bringing it up before: parents do not get the luxury of assuming everything is okay because the kid never complained. Parents have to ask, they have to check, and they have to find ways of communicating if the kid can’t talk to them. Your parents screwed up, kids cannot be expected to know something is wrong or know how to communicate it,” advised glom4ever.
What would you do in the OP’s situation?
