In 1993, Literary Review editor Auberon Waugh and critic Rhoda Koenig established the Bad Sex Award, which according to the Guardian is intended to highlight “the year’s most outstandingly awful scene of sexual description in an otherwise good novel,” and draw attention to “the poorly written, redundant, or downright cringe-worthy passages of sexual description in modern fiction.”
And every year there are many many entries. But one from author Johnathon Grimwood’s book The Last Banquet is currently making the rounds, probably because not only is it bad, he’s mad that everyone is pointing out it’s bad. You gotta have a sense of humor about yourself, or everyone else will for you.
Twitter user Effi Mai screenshot Grimwood’s angry interview and the paragraph that got him nominated for the Bad Sex award, posting both with the words, “No WONDER THIS WON THE WORST SEX AWARD THIS YEAR WHAT THE EVER LOVING F—K.”
This is the passage, if you can stomach it:
Reaching behind me, I found the Brie and broke off a fragment, sucking her nipple through it. She tasted almost as she had the day I took the drop of milk on my finger.
Manon smiled when she realised what I was doing.
You know the peasant saying? If you can’t imagine how neighbouring vineyards can produce such different wines put one finger in your woman’s quim and another up her arse, then taste both and stop asking stupid questions… My fingers found both vineyards. At the front, she tasted salt as anchovy and as delicious. At the rear, bitter like chocolate and smelling strangely of tobacco.
In his interview with the Independent, Grimwood explained why he thought the award was stupid.
“I think the award is pretty idiotic, actually,” he said. “Of the people who get upset about brilliant sex, I slightly think: ‘Have you ever had sex?'”
So, I guess what he’s saying is that brie nipple twisting is standard? Apparently not.
“I didn’t write it thinking it was erotic,” he said. “That particular scene for me has very little to do with sex and a lot to do with memory. It’s about trying to recreate something that has already gone.”
It wasn’t even supposed to be sexy, you guys, like, you just don’t get it. But people still had thoughts:
Very much this. I don’t think the author has ever had Brie. Or sex, for that matter.
— iamthelaw (@QuerywhoIam) January 22, 2020
I blame levar burton
— Akiva Cohen (@AkivaMCohen) January 22, 2020
wait is *this* the new Weight Watchers???
— Angela (@madcatdisease) January 22, 2020
I read the excerpt to my husband. pic.twitter.com/EuxiDxWDNL
— Inka York will publish in 2020 (@InkaYork) January 22, 2020
I’m pretty sure a wet nurse is a woman who is producing breast milk and is feeding all the babies…..
Which makes this way worse, imo
— A Nonny Nurse, BSN, RN (@IranianYogurt) January 22, 2020
what if we’re fundamentally misreading this and Brie is their third 😱
— » dr mrs the mothman » 🔌🔋 (@exfatalist) January 22, 2020
— Dr George Sandifer-Smith (@SandiferSmith) January 22, 2020
Will Grimwood ever be validated? There must be some literal cheese lovers out there. You just gotta find your audience, man.
More of the best and worst writing:
- Man Asks Twitter If He’s Wrong To Cut Books In Half To Make Them Lighter To Carry
- Writer “Still Dying Of Laughter” After Husband Accidentally Eats Entire Bar Of Laxative Chocolate
- “Mom” Writes Hysterical Review Of Kleenex That Every Mother With A Teenage Son Can Relate To
- An Early “Star Wars IX” Script Reportedly Leaked And Reddit’s Got The Details