german shepherd dog
Animals

Woman Won’t Speak To Fiancé Because He Used Wedding Money On Dog’s Surgery

In today’s episode of “pre-wedding drama that actually illustrates a deeper problem,” a bride-to-be has stopped talking to her fiancé because he secretly used their wedding funds to pay for his dog’s cancer surgery. Posted in Reddit’s Relationship Advice column, user Unsurebigbig has huge concerns about his romantic future: 

“My dog (German Shepard) began acting strangely a few months ago. First couple vet visits didn’t show anything until eventually we felt a large lump under his fur which was later identified as a tumor. It was confirmed to be malignant and required surgery to remove completely.”

“The vet I spoke to said it would likely cost over $5000 to remove it completely and there’s no guarantee it will be a success […] My dog is my dog and there is no question in my mind that paying for the surgery was the right thing to do.” 

“I paid for the surgery out of my own savings. This is important. My fiancee and I have separate finances and my savings are easily 5x what she had saved up. When she found out how much the surgery cost, she went ballistic that I paid for the surgery without asking her when we’re planning a wedding. She says that she will have to downsize her wedding to compensate, and that my dog is already so old (10) they money ‘wouldn’t go far.’ I can’t even comprehend how she could say that to me.”  

“My fiancee is acting as though I’m being selfish and that our wedding should come first, since we’re starting a family. If I try to engage conversation she will shut down or walk away. She refuses to talk this over unless I get on my knees, grovel and apologize.”

“So my question for people here is how am I supposed to get her to talk to me and patch things up? I don’t want to throwaway the relationship, but at the same time I feel this is something I cannot compromise on…”

There’s a lot going on here obviously. 

There’s the weirdness of OP neglecting (?) to tell his fiancée that his dog needed surgery. There’s the complete lack of empathy on her part. There’s the odd linguistic choices in the post (“her wedding”). It sounds like this is a couple who has a serious communication problem as well as a lack of shared values and priorities. 

Luckily, Reddit’s relationship experts were on it. Over 2.7k users responded to OP with thoughts on the relationship crisis. 

One user tried to see things from the fiancee’s perspective:

“It seems like she is more upset that he didn’t even discuss it with her. He made a huge purchase without considering her feelings on the matter or even talking to her about it first. Everyone is saying she’s horrible but at the same time he never even gave her the chance to think about it,” said SummerAndTinklesBFF. 

Another user cautioned Unsurebigbig about his fiancée’s tendency to “stonewall” in response to conflict: 

“From her reaction this is going to be the pattern of every fight you have in the future. Silent treatment until you apologize. Something to think about.” 

But user Skyy-High provided what seems like the most even-handed solution that takes into consideration how both parties are to blame for the conflict.

“Go back and talk with your fiancée like she matters to you, ffs. Let her speak without interruption or arguing. Start by reassuring her that you love her and you want to hear why she’s hurt so you both can fix it in the future and not have it come between you. In short: get over your pride, just because you did the ‘right’ thing of saving your dog doesn’t mean she had to be happy about how you did it without communicating it to her, and you certainly don’t sound like you did a good job when she brought up her concerns.”

“You don’t have to back down on your decision to have the surgery to apologize for hurting her feelings, bottom line.”

“Oh, and to be clear: she’s no saint her. Silent treatment is horrible communication too and she needs to resolve to not do that again.”

Do you think this relationship can be saved? 

More Relationship Advice disasters:

Patricia Grisafi

Patricia Grisafi, PhD, is a freelance writer and educator. Her work has appeared in Salon, Vice, Bitch, Bustle, Broadly, The Establishment, and elsewhere. She is passionate about pit bull rescue, cursed objects, and designer sunglasses.