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John Mulaney’s “SNL” Monologue About Breaking Up With His Drug Dealer Over Text When He Got Sober Will Make Your Day

Last year stand-up comedian former Saturday Night Live writer John Mulaney very publicly copped to relapsing with his drinking and drug abuse, and entered rehab, while also going through a divorce.

John Mulaney at the 32nd Annual Film Independent Spirit Awards at Beach on February 25, 2017 in Santa Monica, CA
Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com

Tough year for John, obviously.

Awkward John Mulaney GIF by Saturday Night Live - Find & Share on GIPHY
GIPHY

“I drank for attention,” he told Esquire. “I was really outgoing, and then at 12, I wasn’t. I didn’t know how to act. And then I was drinking, and I was hilarious again. I wasn’t a good athlete, so maybe it was some young male thing of ‘This is the physical feat I can do. Three Vicodin and tequila and I’m still standing. Who’s the athlete now?'”

Now sober, Mulaney returned to SNL this week to join the “Five-Timers Club” of people who have hosted 5 times or more, and did not hold back about his road to sobriety.

John Mulaney telling story of breaking up with drug dealer via text on Saturday Night Live
SNL / Via youtube.com

He spoke first of his intervention, saying: “Since I last hosted, different things have happened…”

SNL / Via youtube.com
SNL / Via youtube.com

He continued “In December, I went to dinner at a friend’s apartment. But it was not dinner. It was an intervention for me — my least favorite kind of intervention. When I walked into my intervention, I knew right away that it was an intervention.”

SNL / Via youtube.com

“Do you know how big of a drug problem you have to have if you open a door and see people gathered, and your first thought is, ‘This is probably an intervention about my drug problem?’” he quipped.

SNL / Via youtube.com

Next, he told the story of him sitting down with a “12-Step” sponser who asked Mulaney to delete and block his drug dealer. “It’s called ‘breaking up with your drug dealer.’ I texted my main dealer, Arvin — I shouldn’t have said his name, but that’s OK, you don’t know him.”

SNL / Via youtube.com

“Before I can delete and block him, he texts me back and goes, ‘Hey, I’m so proud of you. I’m so happy that you got sober. You know, I only bought drugs to sell to you, because I was worried about you, and I didn’t want you to get worse stuff off the streets.'”

SNL / Via youtube.com

Ok, we’ll just let you work through to the punchlines yourself. It’ll be funnier that way.

YouTube

YouTube commenters on the SNL video were even surprisingly supportive and thoughtful for once:

YoutTube
YouTube

If you’re struggling with addiction, as I once was, please know that (1) you’re not alone, and (2) you may not believe me, but at least in my experience, if you put in the very hard work of getting sober now, someday I promise you’ll have some equally hilarious and bittersweet insights like John.