“About a month ago I was waiting in line at the grocery store, one lady in front of me, and one guy sort of off to the side. It looked like he might have been waiting, but I wasn’t sure, and he was having a VERY LOUD conversation on his phone so I didn’t really want to ask. All he had with his was a box of ice cream drumsticks, and he seemed to be rolling on speed or something. This was his side of the conversation as I can recall: …”TALKIN’ BOUT A MEAT SWING!!! GOT THE F*CKIN’ DRUMSTICKS F*CK!”—davidmitchellseyes
“This was me and I don’t think I’ve seen anything dumber. I was four and we went to the pet store. I wanted a frog and a fish. My dad said no. When he wasn’t looking I pocketed a goldfish and a frog. When we got to the car I showed my dad. He made me return them. The frog made it, the fish did not.”—graciepaint4
“Just joined the party after years of lurking around. Not a store but restaurant. I had a gentlemen specifically request pecans on the side of his salad. When I arrived with his request he was very upset that they weren’t far away enough….he was allergic. Didn’t want them in the first place.”—pabstdrinkinslasher
“My friend had someone purchase a suitcase. When she opened it as a matter of standard practice at check out, the rookie shoplifter had filled it with clothes. They just stammered that they didn’t know any of that was in there. So she pulled it all out and put it to the side, at which point the cutomer decided they didn’t want to buy the suitcase after all.”—headcase-and-a-half
Texas stores are weird. At night, some of them will lock the door on the right side, but it’s something you wise up to after living here for a while. I was in a Racetrack gas station/convenience store at about 3am. I was buying gas and I went inside to pay first. A guy comes in, looks around, opens the cooler and grabs a 12 pack of Bud Light (I mean Bud Light, seriously man?) and runs for the door. I’m guessing he wasn’t from Texas, because he hit that right hand door going full tilt boogie and I swear he bounced. Broke his nose, knocked himself out and laid there groaning when the deputies showed up to take his ass to jail. They weren’t real happy with dealing with such a dipsh*t and they just kind of slid his ass out to the patrol car by his jacket collar. Had to hurt.”—keystonepaloalto
“I worked at Albertson’s in Boise, Idaho quite a few years ago. We had a man named HB come into the store with a rifle. We thought that he was going to rob us, but instead… he went to customer service with it and asked if he could pawn it so that he could get beer. The dude is a straight-up kook. He says that God told him personally that it was his destiny to be POTUS. No joke.”—The_Dark_Dualist
“I was buying alcohol with a fake id in high school for a friend and a buddy of his who I didn’t really know. We were all at the checkout in the liquor store and his dumb ass friend decided to try to steal a lighter from the counter while the clerk was ringing us up. The guy working the register was basically looking right at us so he obviously saw and told the guy to put the lighter back. Instead of just putting it back this kid decided to play dumb and act like he didn’t take anything. The guy working the register yelled to the security guard who blocked the door and told the kid to turn his pockets inside out.
Of course, the lighter fell out onto the floor and 4 or 5 shooters that I didn’t even realize he had pocketed while we were in the store. I was sweating bullets because I thought they were going to call the cops and I was going to get busted when they figured out I wasn’t 21. Luckily the guy working the register was cool about it and just told us to get out of the store. I never understood why the kid didn’t just put the lighter back considering how much other sh*t he had stolen that would’ve gone unnoticed. I always went into the store alone when using my fake after that.”—Chill_Charro
“Pay for 2 pints of MD 20/20 orange jubilee. Already too drunk to stand. Take the change, pass out hit chin on the countertop (3 stitches) can’t stand up, the ambulance comes, sh*t himself went to the hospital. BAL .245 (.08 is legally drunk) spent 3 days in hospital suffering withdrawal. Proud to say that I’m now 17 months sober.”—solo_een_vir
“I was at a Walgreen’s near my workplace, and I’m glad I got into the line at the end of this particular event. Apparently one particular shopper didn’t understand the concept of carts, or lines. She went down one aisle, picked up all the products she was able to carry, took them to the register, and had the clerk start ringing them up. But she wasn’t done shopping. She went down to the next aisle and picked up another armload of products to buy, and brought them up to the clerk for another set of ring-ups. Lather, rinse, repeat for (I counted) at least five different rounds, holding up the entire line while she did her shopping in phases. And she went full-on Karen if anybody tried to bypass her. Including me with my two products. I was late back to work from my lunch break that day.”—Hysterical_Realist
“I used to work at a three-story big box retail store. Some new kid was working stocking shelves on the upper level. His hand slipped opening a box and he cut himself really badly with his box cutter. Fine, accidents happen. There are a few things one might do to remedy this situation. Perhaps, use his store issued walkie talkie to call another employee for help. Or maybe he could use one of the many cardboard boxes he had to contain the blood while he went for help. Maybe even use one of the dozens of conveniently placed and clearly labeled first aid kits. Nope, unfortunately his solution to the gaping hand wound was to walk across the entire upper story to the escalator take it down to the second story. Then, inexplicably, instead of getting on the escalator to the bottom floor which was right there at the foot of the escalator he just got off, he crosses the entire second floor to take the elevator down.
Naturally, the elevators were in the exact opposite end of his true destination—the store entrance. So he crosses an entire floor for the third time, leaving a trail of blood across the entire store. Then he just left, never saying a word to anybody. Store policy was that no spills can be left unattended until they are cleaned up, but only a small fraction of the staff was trained to handle biospills. Also nobody ever planned on a store-wide spill of this magnitude. We had to shut down all registers except the self checkout and have all the cashiers, back room, managers, security, basically everybody in the store that wasn’t at lunch, make a human chain spaced throughout the store to block off as much as they could. The store manager had to wait outside and prevent more people from entering (this was a busy weekend day too).
Then the small number of people who were allowed to clean up blood started working their way through the entire store, cleaning up an upsettingly high volume of this kid’s blood. Bizarrely he came back to work the next day, on a shift he wasn’t even scheduled for, wearing a giant wad of gauze and tape on his hand, and tried to act like nothing had happened. He got fired and the entire store was required to train for biohazard cleaning on their following shift.”— Fortwyck
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- 25 Waiters Respond To “What’s The Most Ridiculous Order A Customer’s Placed?”