On Twitter, a woman named Melissa A. Fabello, Ph.D., who describes herself as a Feminist Wellness Educator, has kicked up quite a ruckus and been the unwilling creator of what has become known as the Emotional Labor Meme.
Fabello wrote a thread on “emotional labor,” or the concept that supporting friends and family emotionally can be a lot of work. It’s not an unreasonable idea and it got started around acknowledging the work that often falls on women in the home that is never acknowledged.
But Fabello’s focus was on a friend who asked if she had the “emotional/mental capacity for [them] to vent about something medical/weight-related for a few minutes” and why she thought this was an appropriate way to ask for help:
The person who sent the text is a very good friend of mine. We have the kind of relationship wherein YES OF COURSE I would make time for her and her needs – as I know she would, me.
That is to say, she’s the kind of person who doesn’t “have to” ask for permission for my time.
— Melissa A. Fabello, PhD (@fyeahmfabello) November 18, 2019
But here’s why that text was really, really important:
(1) It acknowledges that I have limited time & emotional availability.
(2) It asks permission to vent, rather than unloading without warning.
(3) It notes the content of the conversation, which could be triggering for me.
— Melissa A. Fabello, PhD (@fyeahmfabello) November 18, 2019
I am the kind of person who people reach out to when they’re in pain. Because I’m good at emotional processing AND logical problem-solving, I tend to be a go-to for my friends who need to externally process their experiences.
— Melissa A. Fabello, PhD (@fyeahmfabello) November 18, 2019
For someone to pause and think “I would really like to talk to Melissa right now, but let me check in to see if she has capacity for this” is *astounding* to me.
And it really shouldn’t be.
— Melissa A. Fabello, PhD (@fyeahmfabello) November 18, 2019
Here’s why:
It sets the tone for the conversation; I’m now prepared for what’s coming, rather than feeling barraged.
It gives the listener the ability to do their best job; I can set myself up to have this talk, rather than being put on the spot.
— Melissa A. Fabello, PhD (@fyeahmfabello) November 18, 2019
Too often, friends unload on me without warning – which not only interrupts whatever I’m working on or going through, but also throws me into a stressful state of crisis mode that is hard to come down from.
Unless it is TRULY an emergency, that’s unfair.
— Melissa A. Fabello, PhD (@fyeahmfabello) November 18, 2019
“Hey! I wanted to talk to you about x. Do you have the time and space to chat about this at some point today?” is a simple text to send.
So is “Hey! X just happened to me, and I’m very shaken up. Do you have a moment right now? If not, I’ll reach out to someone else.”
— Melissa A. Fabello, PhD (@fyeahmfabello) November 18, 2019
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Sincerely,
A Human with Far Too Much Anxiety, Coupled with a Rescuer Personality, Not to Be Forewarned of an Oncoming Emotional Labor Energy Suck— Melissa A. Fabello, PhD (@fyeahmfabello) November 18, 2019
Wow! That’s a lot. I guess it is good to check and see if someone is able to talk you through something difficult, even if the approach is a bit clinical.
But then someone apparently reached out to Fabello asking her how she would respond if she DOES NOT have the capacity to talk to a friend. She offered her thoughts on emotional labor in a text message template, which transformed into the emotional labor meme:
PS: Someone reached out and asked for an example of how you can respond to someone if you don’t have the space to support them.
I offered this template: pic.twitter.com/lCzDl60Igy
— Melissa A. Fabello, PhD (@fyeahmfabello) November 19, 2019
She wrote:
Hey! I’m so glad you reached out. I’m actually at capacity/helping someone else who’s in crisis / dealing with some personal stuff right now, and I don’t think I can hold appropriate space for you. Could we connect [later time or date] instead / Do you have someone else you could reach out to?
People were horrified by this message:
I genuinely find the tone of this message fundamentally chilling. I’ve had to reach out to friends lately (bereavements are no fun) and some have had to step back, which is fine, but this approach would have absolutely broken me.
— Anwen Kya (@Kyatic) November 19, 2019
this shit feels pathological. “can you talk” is the sane person version of “do you have capacity for emotional labor right now”
i beg all of you to reacquaint yourselves with common sense. this transactional sheen over all our personal relationships is turrible https://t.co/w8ALDVgGiQ
— Jaya Sundaresh (@shutupjaya) November 19, 2019
The fact that Fabello’s thread went viral probably means a lot of people connected with it. There was also quite a contingent of folks mocking it.
Fabello’s boilerplate emotional labor tweet got memed pretty quick, and added to pop culture references and joke texts to family members:
— chotto uno minuto (@lovestoned) November 19, 2019
— ˗ˏˋ father john mitski ˎˊ˗ (@onlineryn) November 20, 2019
— helen chalamet (@helen) November 20, 2019
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) November 20, 2019
— pnut (@p00num) November 20, 2019
When I perform the financially uncompensated emotional labor of friendship pic.twitter.com/tH7DFbTdgd
— Matt Bors (@MattBors) November 20, 2019
It’s true that we should consider whether or not someone is available to help us and what else might be going on with their lives. But maybe personalize your template so it doesn’t sound like it’s coming from a robot.
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