Look, it’s important to respect house rules when you are staying with someone. No one wants to wake up to find their refrigerator raided or someone having sex on the kitchen counter.
But what if the house rules are really, really ridiculous?
One Redditor says her daughter has started visiting less because of one particular house rule: the daughter and her boyfriend of three years cannot share a bedroom.
“My daughter and her boyfriend celebrated Easter with us (me, my husband, and our son/her brother). I asked her boyfriend to stay in our guest room, as they aren’t married yet and my husband and I believe it’s inappropriate to share a bed before marriage. Neither her or her boyfriend said anything at the time, but later it came up that they don’t visit more often because we won’t ‘allow’ them to sleep together.”
“I think this is ridiculous. After all, it’s our house and our rules,” the OP said. “I said she was punishing us for having a very reasonable rule, and that she obviously doesn’t truly respect ‘our house, our rules.’ She changed the subject then. At the end of their trip I asked when the next we’ll see them again, and was told ‘maybe the 4th of July, unless [they] make plans with [boyfriend’s] family first.’ When I pointed out she was still trying to punish us (who waits three months in between visits to their parents?), she just left. My husband feels that I’m right and our daughter is being unspeakably rude, but my son thinks we’re in the wrong and it’s ‘not a big deal.'”
The OP edited the post to include that her daughter and her boyfriend are 25 and 26 and have been together for three years and living together for two. “They will be allowed to share a bed under our roof once they’re married and not a second sooner,” she said.
Too inflexible and outdated on the part of the OP? Or should her daughter just respect her house rules?
“My husband’s family wouldn’t allow us to sleep in the same bed when we visited (first time I met them), even though they had a 2 bedroom house and his 9yo daughter was sleeping in the same room, and we never would have done anything in those circumstances. He ended up sleeping at his grandmother’s house across the street. So in the morning I was stumbling around a strange house, trying to cope with his parents competing with each other to talk to me (they’re weird) and talk to his daughter who wanted continual attention, while all I wanted was to have a nice cup of coffee in silence. I told him next time we’re staying in a hotel. I have no problem observing a ‘no sex unless you’re married’ rule out of respect, but I’m a bit old (37 at the time) to be told where I can and can’t sleep. I’m an adult, and I expect to be treated that way. I work through mutual respect and cooperation, not through commands delivered the same way they were when I was 8. I suspect OP’s daughter feels the same way,” said QuixoticLogophile.
“YTA, you’re not just asking them to follow your rules, you seem to feel entitled to control her feelings about your rules. ‘My rules have affected her comfort at my home and she stays here less as a result. How can I force my adult child to visit?’ If you don’t like the outcome you can change your rule if you like, you cannot force her to do anything. She’s not disrespecting you, she is respecting her own wishes. Congratulations on raising a woman with boundaries who isn’t a doormat (I really mean that you should be proud),” observed LeeLooPeePoo.
“YTA. They respect your rule. They just choose not to visit often because of the rule and don’t agree with it. You are choosing your rule over them visiting,” said sheramom4.
“So much this. OP, she is respecting your rules in your house. She doesn’t like the rule so she chooses not to come there. Like, what’s the problem here? You never said she flat out asked you to change your stance, she just told you hers. Is she not allowed to have an opinion of her own? Is she supposed to skip and cry ‘hooray!’ for you to feel ‘respected?’ Your daughter’s responses to you are telling. She’s used to you being controlling and putting unreasonable expectations on her. Do you not have a car? are you both blind? Can neither of you drive? Why tf can’t you and your husband drive out to see her? Didn’t see you mention that option anywhere. If they can afford to stay in a hotel in your area, surely they can help you afford one during you visit there. And then you won’t have to see their sleeping arrangements,” explained Melodic-Formal.
“YTA firstly for not mentioning their ages are 25 and 26 and they have been cohabitating partners for 3 years. For all intents and purposes, they live as a stable married couple. This is relevant to your story. Do you have the right to set such a rule for your household? Sure you do, no one is stopping you. But this rule infantilizes your adult daughter and trivialises her long-term relationship. This guy might be your son one day, why not treat him like family now? Also, 3 months in between parental visits is not a long time. For all these reasons you are TA even though it is your house your rules,” said RainbowDMacGyver.
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