expensive engagement ring
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Relationships

Guy Asks If He Was A Jerk To Wince At Girlfriend’s $14K Engagement Ring Request

There’s entirely too much drama about engagement rings in this world.

It feels like every time you turn around, someone is complaining about the size or the clarity or the price or where it came from or any other random thing. So it’s no surprise that the AITA forum on Reddit is littered with tales of engagement ring woe. The latest?

One Reddit user’s girlfriend wants a super pricy ring because her sister just got one and the OP, who winced at the request, is wondering if he could’ve handled the situation better. 

The OP explains that he and his girlfriend are both 24, have been dating for four years, and love each other a lot. He says he is still hesitant of the whole “get engaged at 27, married the next year, have kids at 30, buy a house, life cause I feel so young to talk about it.” 

“Here’s the meat & bones of this: Her sister recently got engaged (3 years older) and they are both pretty wealthy as she is a lawyer and he is a nurse. Both make 6-figures…and she recently got an engagement ring that was around $16K…We aren’t in law or medicine like them, so we won’t be making as much at that age at all. My girlfriend is VERY much into the marriage idea: a big wedding, an expensive engagement ring and all the works,” the OP writes. 

“Now, I’m much more fiscally ‘frugal’ (she would call it being ‘cheap’ lol) so I’m hesitant about all that. Buying a house in a few years…an EXPENSIVE ASS engagement ring…having kids maybe in like 6 or 7 years…it’s all SO EXPENSIVE. She said she also wants to get a ≈$14K engagement ring, and my first reaction to hearing that I was like ‘Oh lord’ and I very jokingly rolled my eyes a bit (again, jokingly). She was very upset. ‘Why did you hesitate, do you not love me? Am I not worth the $$$ for that ring, an engagement ring is the ONE THING a girl looks for, and it’s FOR LIFE.'”

I mean, are you marrying a caricature of a wedding ring crazy lady? Maybe I’m just lucky to not know any of these kinds of people. 

“I got a little scared about the cost, as I only make like $65K right now (maybe I’ll make more in the future idk), and I plan to quit my job in a few years to pursue the arts (I want to be a stand-up comedian) but I tend to be more frugal when it comes to my finances. And a $14K ring seems like A LOT – I honestly have enough money lying around in my account to afford it right now, but it just doesn’t seem like the best idea.” 

What did Redditors think?

“You’re NTA but you two are in two different places in life AND in your approaches to that future. Couples need to see eye-to-eye on several very important things in order to have a healthy relationship that lasts, and FINANCES is like at the top of the list next to ‘What does a committed relationship look like,'” said turquoise-nightmares.

“My advice to you: pick a goal, and don’t let ANYTHING get in the way of achieving your goal. If you want to be a comedian, you be a comedian. If you’re making $65k/year, you can absolutely live frugally for a few years, and save up so that you can live off savings for a time while you’re getting your next career underway. If she wants to be with you, that’s great. But she needs to want to be with you because she loves you, not for the price of the engagement ring you may or may not give her,” advised Fleegle2212.

“NTA, but the bottom line is that you’re frugal while she expects you to spend a ton of money on her. You need to have a serious talk with her about yall’s future together if your lifestyles and values are this different. If this is how you disagree about an expensive ring, imagine what you’re going to disagree about if you have children together…Be honest and have a conversation. If she can’t do that and can’t see your side at all, you do not want to continue with this,” said e-elegia.

“NTA. There is no one way to be an “‘adult.’ Many people are choosing to put off marriage and children. Some people don’t want either. All of them are still adults and living lives that suit them rather than trying to conform to some imaginary standard. Your girlfriend doesn’t seem financially savvy. She also seems quite willing to use guilting and emotional manipulation to get what she wants. Consider discussing finances and what she expects from a marriage. Does she expect to be supported financially? Does she pay her own bills or is she getting help from family? Does she make purchases on credit or try to live a lifestyle she can’t afford? Think about how the two of you resolve conflict. Does she frequently claim that you don’t love her enough? Do you give in a lot even when you think you are right? Does she pout or give you the silent treatment when she doesn’t get her own way? Consider taking this to a relationship sub if many of these answers are yes,” suggested terrapharma.

“NTA. You and your GF need to sit down and have a talk about expectations for the future so you can both be on the same page. If you both have different goals on what to do with your money, then you are in for a world of hurt in a marriage. I would sit down together and lay out what your personal goals are for your financial future, and see what hers are, and go from there,” said Likely_Not_Your_Mom. 

Sounds like the OP needs to have a conversation with his girlfriend and figure out if they have the same goals in terms of moving forward and forging a life together. What do you think he should do?

Lead image: Pixabay

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Patricia Grisafi

Patricia Grisafi, PhD, is a freelance writer and educator. Her work has appeared in Salon, Vice, Bitch, Bustle, Broadly, The Establishment, and elsewhere. She is passionate about pit bull rescue, cursed objects, and designer sunglasses.