Lex
5.
This all happened years ago, when I was struggling heavily in active addiction. I didn’t see the harm in doing drugs and justified it because I never stole from anybody. But I would sleep with people, because it’s a dick move to not share drugs with someone who let’s you put your dick inside them. Sleeping with people gave me access to drugs without even having to ask for it. They passed the joint, bought me a beer, gave me a line. Whatever there was.
There was this drug dealer, and he was good news for me. If I fucked this dude I could pretty much get whatever I wanted, however cheaply I wanted. He was married. Everyone knew he slept around, and I figured she did too. How could she not? So I slept with him. For the drugs. She walked in on us, with her two year old son-I didn’t even know she had kids at the time-and gave me a look of disappointment, and empathy. This shocked me. I was in her bed, naked on top of her husband, in front of her child; and through the tears, she looked at me as though she understood. If that were me, I might have murdered someone.
That look made me rethink my entire life, and got me to where I am now. During one of my steps in recovery, you are supposed to apologize and make amends where possible to the people you have harmed in your addiction; I reached out to her, but was never able to find her. I still try, sometimes. I want to know if maybe I misread that look. Why she chose to just walk away instead of confront us. For whatever reason, I am grateful to her. I walked away with shame. There is a difference between guilt and remorse. Addicts feel guilty all the time, but rarely feel remorse. I felt it for the first time that day, and never pulled that shit again.
I’ve relapsed, and still fucked up, but I’m three months clean, and still going strong.
4.
Her marriage was having trouble and she told me she was 100% divorcing her wife. After that I let her pamper me etc and we did things together. I found out later that her wife knew and was actually okay with it, but then lost her shit after the girl I was with told her wife that she loved me.
3.
I’ve never been fortunate or successful dating men or women, basically my entire life. My best friend and I grew remarkably close when someone I tried to date hurt me and we eventually became involved secretly. I was vulnerable, I guess, and I was convinced my best friend actually loved me. I felt safe. I felt content and truly appreciated and loved by another for the first time in my life. I knew it was going to end terribly (it did and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about him, love him, and miss him) but I still was under the delusion that it could somehow work with him, either secretly or openly with his husband’s knowledge. The worst of it is now my best friend is effectively a stranger and I don’t know if I’m capable of ever trusting anyone again.
2.
We fell in love. We were very in tune from the beginning and worked together, often alone, on extended work trips, spending hours on the road and more and more late night evenings drinking and having honest and deep conversations. We enjoyed the same music, humor, lifestyles, all the things that lead to real connection.
If he wasn’t married I’m sure we would be by now. It only lasted several months but we both felt very strongly for each other. Worst part is I know him thru his wife who I am superficiallly friends with. The guilt was stronger for him. He made the right choice to cut it off and fortunately we haven’t worked together much at all since the break. They are having a baby soon and I’ll be happy for them. She will never know and I will forever wish I found him first.
1.
I had a thing for married men. It was the easiest no strings attached sex possible. No offense guys, but yall say you won’t catch feels, but it still happens!! I liked knowing that he would sleep with me and go home to his wife like it was no biggie. He eventually grew feelings and was serious about leaving his wife and 3 kids for me. Serious enough to scare me into cutting him off. I stopped banging married men after that.
If you’ve gotten this far, I want to say that I am in no way proud of what I did. I know I did it because of self esteem issues. I enjoyed the temporary affection. I enjoyed getting something I couldn’t have. As well, I was young & dumb. Uggh I used to gloat about it too. As an adult now, I realise the damages that could have been caused as well how stupid younger me was. If anyone reading this is in this situation currently, IT’S NOT WORTH IT. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN A SIDE PIECE. KNOW YOUR WORTH.
