Aimeé
Movies made for the evangelical community are always a confusing mix of sincerity, bonkers ideology, and modern references attempting to make the content relatable. The film Assassin 33 AD apparently has all that, plus time travel. Podcast host Laura Robinson watched the film so you don’t have to. Not that you planned to— but it’s still nice that she live-tweeted the experience.
There is a deadly serious Christian action movie about Muslims who invent time travel so they can go back in time and kill Jesus so he can’t die for our sins and of course my husband bought it because he’s an actual monster.
— Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) April 28, 2020
And before you dive in, here’s the trailer to give you some visuals as she recounts the whole weird, racist mess:
Despite Robinson’s qualms, her husband managed to find it amusing, but getting through it gave her an injury:
As an adult convert to Christianity, Jon has never run in the circles in which this would be considered a great movie. I have. We are experiencing this film very differently.
— Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) April 28, 2020
She guessed that was because her husband didn’t grow up in deeply religious circles where this isn’t cringe entertainment—It’s gospel. The stuff she tweeted didn’t exactly paint a super clear picture of the film’s content aside from extreme violence:
A doubting Christian just shot Jesus in the head with an automatic pistol. The doubting Christian acknowledged that when Jesus died, he was speaking English.
— Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) April 28, 2020
The love interest was just shot in the abdomen. Our hero took off all his clothes but his tighty-whities and sneakers to make a bandage. Again, I am not making any of this up.
— Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) April 28, 2020
And surprise surprise, it’s racist in multiple ways:
That said, the black guy is confessing to Jesus right now that he doesn’t like the movie Passion of the Christ and it’s pretty funny but also looks like a South Park scene.
— Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) April 28, 2020
Jesus and the black guy are now casually referring to Passion of the Christ as “my movie/your movie.” Jesus knows about the movie Passion of the Christ and he really likes it.
— Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) April 28, 2020
The movie was so bad it began to drive a wedge between the married couple watching it:
A time traveller just had his watch stolen by a Roman.
— Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) April 28, 2020
I cannot overstate the deranged audacity with which these apparently pious filmmakers rewrote the story of the Passion and Resurrection to accommodate time travelers and their equipment.
— Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) April 28, 2020
Also the black guy just said “mucho gracias” to Mary Magdalene because she said “Rabboni.”
— Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) April 28, 2020
According to her, the filmmakers are so religious they’ve undermined their own religion:
This movie is painfully, worshipfully committed to the glory of the Lord, and is completely committed to the idea that Jesus’ resurrection had nothing to do with God and everything to with American time travelers.
— Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) April 28, 2020
“Use your Bible app!” – An action movie.
— Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) April 28, 2020
The movie is honestly charming in how it is both thoroughly sincere in its obvious love for Jesus, and also the most blasphemous thing ever made by filmmakers.
— Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) April 28, 2020
I don’t know if that was a cynical line thrown in to say “Look, we aren’t Islamophobic” or expresses the genuine conviction of the filmmakers, but either way it was very noticeable.
— Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) April 28, 2020
Anyway, the movie is Assassin 33 AD. With a content warning for gun violence and Islamophobia, I actually recommend the hell out of it. It’s a wild and thoroughly impious mix between Jesus of Montreal, Lost, and Birdemic.
— Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) April 28, 2020
I’m a little worried that these descriptions are so good that people will flock to ironically watch Assassin 33 AD, which will lead to a part two. God already seems pretty pissed with humanity, folks. Stop poking Him.
