It seems to me like you lived your life like a candle in the wind.
It also seems to me like you lived your life like someone who just baaaaarely made it to the weekend.
AND THAT’S OK! There’s nothing wrong with holding on by a thread (unless that thread is dangerously close to a candle in the wind—that’s dangerous!).
To mark the death of one week and the glorious birth of a new weekend, we sifted through every single tweet on Twitter (ok, not really) to bring you the best of the best from the funniest of funny women.
So enjoy them while you’re still walking this earth!
So I walk into the bathroom and this girl stops me from entering the stall and says:
“Sorry I couldn’t help but notice your earrings, are you from Texas??”
These are the earrings I was wearing: pic.twitter.com/YLIkrQD2uD
— Red (@injera_bae) September 5, 2019
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 12, 2019
Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 10, 2019
Doctors make you strip down to your underwear so they'll be less nervous
— Rachel McCartney (@RachelMComedy) September 12, 2019