[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
— Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) April 19, 2018
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him 🙁
— Adult-Onset Baby Teeth (@woodmuffin) January 9, 2013
Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you pic.twitter.com/qCoF30eEWK
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 7, 2017
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
— phil (@PhilJamesson) March 17, 2015
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
— Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash (@mynameisntdave) June 15, 2015
Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"
Mom: *staring at dad
Dad: …*clenches fists
Dad: *sweats profusely
Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD
— Guy Dangerous (@Lerky) October 24, 2015
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 25, 2013
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
— Better things are possible (@InternetHippo) April 6, 2015
i enjoying mysekf by the lake, but then i remembered instances of regret in my life, and pain i have caused others pic.twitter.com/KASFAIIQWc
— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) April 8, 2015
These two books contain the sum total of all human knowledge pic.twitter.com/MF8ME8tJOM
— James Kirkpatrick (@James_Kpatrick) April 5, 2013
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
— wint (@dril) September 29, 2013
*sees New Balance 609s hanging on wire*
*hears faint "hi scared, I'm dad" echoing through neighborhood*
— luke [from online] (@internetluke) November 22, 2014
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 28, 2015
"So terribly sorry to hear of your ninety and nine problems." pic.twitter.com/S2zxEAhicd
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) December 9, 2014
[losing badly in a contest]
guys its not a contest
— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) November 18, 2015