Married people know that like anything else in this world, marriage has got its highs and its lows. Sure, you have a lifelong partner who is all but contractually obligated to buy you chicken noodle soup when you’re sick—but you have a lifelong partner whose bad habits you are contractually obligated to live with. Forever.
It’s heaven. It’s hell. It’s marriage.
Dating: You’re perfect. You can do no wrong.
Marriage: That is not where the spoons go you idiot
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) May 6, 2018
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 22, 2018
It’s that time of year, arguing with my husband over the ceiling fan speed.
I like “light breeze.” He prefers “F4 tornado.”
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 29, 2018
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 9, 2018
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 16, 2018
My wife and I hit an important marriage milestone.
We had a fight entirely in fridge magnets. pic.twitter.com/sUvXbe2Fnn
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 4, 2015
I tried on an outfit and asked husband if he liked that one or the next one best…then went into the closet and came out with the exact same outfit on and he looked at me and dead ass said, “Definitely the first one.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 19, 2018
Couples on Facebook brag about their love and perfect life together. Meanwhile it’s a good day when my wife and I are still speaking to each other after going grocery shopping together.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) August 20, 2018
In case you’re wondering what marriage is like, my husband and I just fought over the fact that he wouldn’t tell me where he hid the candy I asked him to hide from me.
— Lindsey Silver (@EvenTheDogsABoy) February 23, 2018
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) May 15, 2018
If you don’t start a fight with your husband because he’s underreacting to something that you’re overreacting to, then you’re not wife-ing it like me.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 17, 2018
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 15, 2017
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 11, 2018
My phone updated and now my husband and I have the same exact emojis. We may never have to speak again.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) August 14, 2018
If my wife wants to argue, we’re going to argue – doesn’t matter if I’ve already agreed with her – we have to argue until she says everything she planned to say.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 17, 2018
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 13, 2018
Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 28, 2017
I’m never more nervous than when I insist we’re out of something and my wife goes to look for it herself.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2017
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 2, 2017
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 10, 2018