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Parenting

Guy Who Calls His Ex “Toxic” Wants To Rescue The 8-Year-Old Child He Didn’t Even Know Had Been Born

You ever feel like sometimes guys just call their exes “crazy” because those exes acted out in response to being treated like garbage?

On Reddit, one OP is asking if he needs to swoop in eight years after his ex gave birth without telling him in order to rescue the child.

It’s pretty clear that the situation is extremely complex, but what does stand out to a lot of Redditors is that the OP really needs to assess the situation through the eyes of the child, who is in a seemingly stable home environment and has been adopted by the ex’s husband. 

“I was in a horrible relationship with a woman I’ll call Christi. She was a very toxic person and at best a borderline alcoholic. I hate to armchair diagnose, but she is spot on for BPD. Constant paranoia about everyone and everything, wild mood swings. I realized I had a problem and needed to cut ties with her to move on and fix myself and that’s when she announced that she was pregnant. She stopped drinking while pregnant, but her behavior didn’t really change, if anything, it got worse,” the OP writes. 

“I blocked her for a few months after there was a particularly bad incident that made me relapse, but I had every intention of being there for my child and made sure she knew that. When she would have been 8 months pregnant, a mutual friend called me and said she had had a stillbirth. I had no reason to not believe that friend but I just couldn’t risk seeing her again and getting sucked back in, so I texted her condolences and have kept her blocked in every way that I could since.” 

The OP says that eight years have passed since he saw Christi. He has since been married, had a child, and is now seven years sober. He recently went back to visit his parents and saw some old friends—who told him that Christi’s daughter just postponed her eighth birthday party.

So, Christi lied about the stillbirth and never told the OP about his child’s birth. 

“Christi married some guy, had two more children, and had him illegally adopt my daughter. I now want to sue her to overturn the adoption because she clearly had someone lie to me so I wouldn’t try fighting for my parental rights. I’m devastated that she stole so much time from me and I want my child to know her family and likely be in a safer, more stable home. My mother is telling me not to because people can change and it would be confusing for her at this point, but I think I should.” 

What should the OP do? Was his behavior in the past toxic? This is a really sensitive situation. 

“YTA/ESH you blocked your pregnant ex, didn’t question or even inquire about a funeral, death certificate, check up on her (really you should have done a quick visit regardless of if you dislike her or not) or anything like that which is completely your fault tbh. Who only texts condolences about the death of their child to the mother?? Your daughter (which you don’t even know if she’s actually yours) is 8 years old and you’ve never been in her life. You really don’t know anything about their current family life and just assume that uprooting your estranged daughter who has never met you and doesn’t know you at all and forcing her to live with you, your wife, and your kid is somehow more stable than where she is currently. Have you even talked to your wife abt this as well,” asked cinnamonoblivion. 

“A point a lot of people are missing is it states that op blocked her BEFORE learning of the still birth. Then unblocked her when he found out to say condolences then blocked her again. How do you make sure someone knows that you want to be there for the child if you had them blocked for a good portion of the pregnancy? The fact that ‘if’ she would have had a stillbirth and had no way of contacting op speaks volumes,” said loaf1669. 

“Jumping onto top comment to say that OP seems to have grand visions of himself sweeping in, saving this kid from the awful environment she must be living in, etc…OP, people really do change. This kid might be having a great life, or even just an acceptable life, but OPs past experience with his ex would make it incredibly difficult for him to see that. It is incredibly hard to accurately, fairly judge a situation when you have had such a relationship with one of the parties involved. It is also very hard to accept that someone who has hurt you actually can be a good person to someone else, especially someone vulnerable / someone you have an interest in protecting. OP. Think long and carefully about getting involved. If you appear in this child’s life claiming her mother is a bad person and the kid needs ‘rescuing’ from a problem that may very well not exist, it’s going to cause a lot of trauma for the kid. You might also very well spend weeks bitter and angry, your brain desperately searching for some kind of sign that the horrible crazy ex is abusing her child. When in fact those signs do not exist, because your ex is a good mother, and the child is happy,” advised Ashuuki. 

“YTA, for the reasons stated above but also for something I haven’t seen anyone mention. You ‘hate to armchair diagnose’ but you’re going to anyways? You cannot, cannot, canNOT diagnose someone unless you are the mental health professional treating them! First rule of mental health work! People like you are the reason that I have a few friends, perfectly wonderful people who struggle with bpd, who are terrified to tell anyone about their diagnosis because they’re automatically going to be labeled a horrible person. Being a toxic person does not mean someone is borderline, and having borderline doesn’t mean someone is a horrible person. Full stop, end of story. Armchair diagnosing people just causes more stigma by people who don’t really understand the disorder,” noted ScarShayde. 

“My man, this is so far above Reddit’s paygrade, it’s not even funny. You need a therapist and a lawyer, not a bunch of (almost certainly) teenagers and 20-somethings who are bored at home during the school break,” AdPuzzleheaded3823 accurately explained. 

“YWBTA if you tried to sue her. Yes, she is an AH for her part in this but you made the choice to block her everywhere and not verify the stillbirth. You took the easy way out by not contacting. By suing now you would screw up your child. You don’t know she has a bad home life. Your baby mam could have turned her life around as well after getting a bit of responsibility. You have 2 possible positive moves, 1) Move on and forget or 2) Keep an eye from the distance through friends and things. You never know if later on she will want a relationship and come looking, be ready for that,” said gkcontra. 

“YTA, because this post is all about you, you, you. What’s best for the CHILD? How do you know their home is not stable,” asked Glittering_Joke3438. 

“If I imagine his ex’s side of things from two different angles: ‘My ex and I had an extremely toxic relationship. I got pregnant accidentally. He was an addict who used to blame me for his drinking, and he blocked me while I was pregnant. That made me take a step back and realize how toxic our relationship was and decide it would be better to do this alone. When our mutual friend told him I’d had a stillbirth, he texted me sorry and blocked me again. So I had my child and later met and married a man who I am still with who adopted my daughter.’ Or alternatively, ‘I don’t know where that alcoholic asshole went. He blocked me while I was pregnant, and I never heard from him again except some random ‘sorry’ text he probably sent while drunk. He clearly didn’t want to be involved, or he wouldn’t have blocked me, so I didn’t involve him.’ Those are both more reasonable than his story,” said SWGoodToes. 

“The mother’s actions have no baring on you being the asshole now, which you are. You aren’t a father and this isn’t in the best interests of the child. You’re going to put a wrecking ball through the life of someone that is truly innocent? AFTER you blocked mom while pregnant??? Why would she think you would have any involvement when she couldn’t even contact you? That’s not co-parenting,” said Salty_Ad642. 

What do you think? Should this OP just leave his ex alone and move on with his life? 

Lead image: Pixabay

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Patricia Grisafi

Patricia Grisafi, PhD, is a freelance writer and educator. Her work has appeared in Salon, Vice, Bitch, Bustle, Broadly, The Establishment, and elsewhere. She is passionate about pit bull rescue, cursed objects, and designer sunglasses.