Substance recovery programs can be life-saving to many people who struggle with addiction issues. They provide a safe space to talk about problems, share painful stories and memories, and to ask for support from those who have walked that road. And, of course, they’re supposed to be anonymous.
What if while at an AA meeting you met your brother’s new girlfriend? Should you tell him? Or wait and let their relationship progress? That’s the question one Redditor has on the AITA forum.
“My brother started dating this new girl and I realized I recognized her from AA. I’m not an addict, but my lawyer recommended I attend some AA meetings to help strengthen an ongoing case against me. I know it’s her because I remember her very unique name from the AA meeting and she also talked for a very long time,” the OP writes, later explaining that he was involved in a drunk driving incident.
“I thought it was important to mention it to my brother is because I’m worried about her as a partner to him. In AA, she mentioned that not only did she use hard drugs, but also that she feels like she can’t control herself. She also admitted to drugs making her verbally aggressive and unstable emotionally, and at the time sue was not sober.”
“I know my brother, and I know that he holds himself and his partners to a high standard and that he hates drama in his relationship. I told him what she said and he broke up with her, and she basically stalked me and also called me an untrustworthy bitch who ruined her experience with AA.”
The OP said he was just trying to help his brother, but that some of his friends thought his way of doing so was very messed up. What do Redditors think?
“YTA, did you forget the second ‘A’ stands for ‘anonymous’? Most go to these things to get help, not to try and make a fake showing for court because they can’t get a DD,” said CerebralAssazin.
“You are a GIGANTIC asshole. Do you not know the definition of the word ANONYMOUS? It is completely wrong to reveal anything people talked about in those meetings! That is their safe space and you just violated it,” said Jaer56.
“This is one of the most important principles of AA because it gives people the space to be completely honest and get all of this shit off of their chests so they don’t have to carry it alone anymore, so they can actually work through it with the support of others who know exactly how they feel, so they don’t have to pretend they aren’t struggling or depressed or scared or angry or (insert any difficult emotion here), and so this shit stops haunting them. In turn, they can stop having to turn to substances to make them feel accepted, loved, and safe. They can instead turn to actual people. When people who have no idea what AA is about and think it’s just a big, worthless joke that they can use to make themselves look better in front of a judge? It’s pretty damn infuriating,” explained prairiemountainzen.
“You messed up, big time. AA is based on trust. People who attend need to know that they can be fully honest in that room. You need to apologize and never go back there. I think the reason you don’t realize how important the ‘contract’ is in AA because your only reason for being there is to make yourself look better when you’re in court. You don’t respect the process, or the strength it takes to be there. Also, YTA for driving under the influence. Seriously, how does that even happen in 2020? One more thing because I haven’t seen this mentioned elsewhere. OP – by breaking anonymity of your brother’s girlfriend, you also broke the trust of every single other recovering addict in the room. Your actions did not just impact your brother and his ex. Other addicts in that room will now have lost trust in the process. You really need to start thinking before you act,” said emersj.
“As someone who has gone to AA for an extended period of time, I can tell you with 100% certainty that there are plenty of people who take the perspective of the program that you did. I’m not saying that you are an addict, I will take your post at face value and believe that you are not, but there are plenty of true addicts who need help and have trouble admitting it to themselves. The courage and bravery to not only come back but to commit and be vulnerable to a group of strangers is unbelievable. If you thought more from the other woman’s perspective, you might have realized that although she may have a bunch of red flags in your eyes, she is working hard to overcome these challenges, and her desire to be sober and become a better version of herself is what keeps bringing her back,” noted talxv.
So let’s keep the “Anonymous” in AA, okay?