Yes, my skeptical eyebrows are ALL the way up because at first blush, this sounds like hot garbage.
Touch is a very normal thing and while it can certainly lead to sex, there is no CONTRACT or agreement just because you’re cuddling.
And that’s kind of TikToker @crocodilecamm’s point when she explains in her viral video that women in committed relationships struggle to feel excited about sex.
The video, which has nearly five million views, starts with her lip-synching:
“Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk”.
The text on the screen reads:
“A lot of women aren’t having sex with their male partners because the ONLY time they’re giving us physical intimacy, it’s with an end goal in mind. Responding in the beginning feels like signing a contract to the end.”
Okay, so that’s quite a bit more clarifying — it’s because men treat cuddling as a gateway to intercourse.
And… yeah. Yeah, they do.
BuzzFeed spoke to @crocodilecamm who explained how she came to this conclusion.
“It started with watching endless amounts of TikToks, listening to podcasts, and hearing stories from other women that led me to start examining my own feelings around sexual initiation within my male/female relationship. For me, it was a combination of reacting to previous traumas with coercion, and feeling as if responding to a kiss in the beginning was like signing a contract for sex.
Though there was always respect, boundaries, and consent, after nearly a decade in a relationship, it was clear that the only time meaningful physical intimacy was offered, it was with an end goal in mind. As I probed these feelings, I started hearing more and more women sharing their experiences with this, but in different words.”
She also explained why she thinks that men view physical touch as a gateway to sex.
“The regular media we see that highlights men almost always has the messaging that all they want is sex, and nothing more. Then, in contrast, we have women who are taught to enjoy the softer sides of intimacy like touch, kisses, and cuddles.
The moment those activities are deemed as feminine, they no longer fit into the life of a man who prioritizes the ideals of patriarchal masculinity. I personally believe that if men aren’t actively unlearning this sort of patriarchal masculinity, it’s no wonder they’re always focused on sex over gentle intimacy.”
Phew. Deep.
BuzzFeed also reached out to Dr. Kate Balestrieri, a psychologist, sex therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy. She confirmed that the dynamic is pretty common and the reason it happens is due to how men and women are socialized.
“For many men, their masculine identity is one that required them to eradicate all things feminine from their personhood. That often means nonsexual forms of intimacy, especially with other men. Since sexual pursuit is a behavior welcome under the construct of masculinity, many men use sex to communicate many feelings,” she told BuzzFeed.
She further explained, “These men tend to seek out emotional connection through sexual intimacy with female partners, and may seek sex to connect; eschewing other forms of nonsexual intimacy because it’s not something that is automatic in their pursuit of emotional connection (or part of their sexual arousal template).
“Conversely, women are often conditioned to desire sex after emotional connection, and see cuddling, holding hands, kissing, etc. as expressions of emotional connection necessary for sexual desire. When their partners initiate touch, with the sole purpose of converting touch into sex, many women begin to feel objectified and used for sex.”
But, as she explained, couples should communicate with each other and talk about non-sexual touch and how important it is.
And of course: “Remember, no one owes anyone else sex, nor should they be manipulated, coerced, or forced to have sex, period. Stop saying things like, ‘My girlfriend/wife won’t give me sex.’ Sex isn’t something you do to another person or something they give to you. Partnered sex is a co-created experience that you embark on together,” Dr. Balestrieri concluded.
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