Wedding

Guy Refuses To Spend More Than $500 On An Engagement Ring And Gets Lit Up

When we were planning on getting engaged, my now-husband joked that he should buy me an engagement horse instead of a ring because it would be way cooler.

It definitely made me think for a minute. But then I was like, no, we live in the city, I wouldn’t be able to care for the horse like I would want to—and I actually love the idea of a ring.

Why not add one more meaningful piece of jewelry to my life?

Some people are not into rings and don’t wear them—which is totally their choice.

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But what if one person in the relationship likes the idea of engagement rings and the other thinks they’re a total waste of money?

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That’s what one Redditor wrote in on the AITA forum. 

“I work as a software engineer and I grew up upper middle class (parents make a total of around 300k). My fiancée’s family is significantly wealthier and she grew up imo financially irresponsible, dropping 10k a month on clothes is a regular. She is a cardiovascular residency student.” 

“I recently proposed to her with the consideration of her picking her own ring. She took me to Tiffany, and some other obscure brands to try on rings and I told her it was WAY out of my budget ($20k+). She tried to ask if I was willing to split the cost of the ring 50/50.

With her wanting big name brands, engagement and wedding ring for us both would cost way over my $500 budget for jewelry. She relented and sent me a link to a ring that cost $1000 (not including tax). Obviously I said no again, I can’t understand what her obsession is with jewels to be honest,” the OP explained. 

While the price of the ring is obviously a factor, and there are some really insanely expensive rings out there, there are also beautiful rings that will not break the budget. At this point, the OP’s fiancée sounds a little out-of-touch but also just excited about her wedding. 

The OP then explains that he does not plan on wearing his wedding ring because he’s not a jewelry guy. Again, I get it. Some people hate wearing jewelry. But will not wearing a ring upset his fiancée? 

“A couple days later, our mutual friend (from her middle/high school and my university) said I’m being too cheap. Their social circle has some expectations of 2 carat diamond ring so fiancée expected something along those lines.  Objecting to a $1000 ring makes her reconsider marrying me blah blah blah. I don’t think I’ll be convinced into spending more and I told my fiancée so.

She blew up saying I put her under a lot of pressure by being sensitive to our different finances. Doubting she can have the wedding of her dreams under my budget and made it clear that I don’t dictate how much she can spend (which I don’t in the first place). She wants a prenup now and won’t speak to me over circles of metal.” 

The OP is upset that she had the “audacity to air out our financial situation to our mutual friends” and he wonders if he’s being an a****** “for not wanting to spend money on trivial jewelry that serves no practicality.”

What do Redditors think of the situation? Does the OP’s fiancée have unrealistic expectations? Or is the OP being insensitive to her desires? 

“YTA — not because of your budget but because you seem hell bent on rings being trivial and refuse to understand that it isn’t trivial to your partner,” said NUTmeSHELL. 

“Yeah and not wearing a ring because you’re not a jewelry guy? It’s not about jewelry it’s about what it represents. He needs to shell out more than $500 unless he really can’t afford it and be willing to find some kind of simple ring he is willing to wear. I get the feeling his comments about not wearing a ring himself are almost as much of an issue at the low suggested price of her future ring,” noted Final_Commission4160. 

“I think he’s the asshole for the budget too – she’s budged from $20k to $1k and is even offering to go 50/50 which actually puts the $1k ring in his budget. She’s compromised to the point any more would be capitulation instead of compromise. This guy wants an engagement ring and two wedding bands/rings for under $500 total? Is he fucking high?” asked Imamuramama. 

“I normally agree people are crazy with their expectations for Weddings but she moved from a $20,000 expectation for the ring which doesn’t seem unreasonable based on how you describe her social circle and family to finding one she liked $1,000 and you have no flexibility on $500. Honestly it sounds like you care more about your “budget” than your fiancée,” observed Shwigetty. 

“Your fiancé clearly puts value in good quality items; whether that be clothing or jewellery. This is something you know about her. While you may think jewellery is ‘trivial’ and serves ‘no practicality’, in your fiancé’s social circle, and considering the job she’s going for that’s unlikely to change, good quality jewellery is a status symbol. Further, it is usually an heirloom. Your fiancé has offered two compromises to help her achieve this, while being sensitive to your concerns; she helps pay for the ring or she brings the cost down to $1k (which is a huge concession for her). You’re not budging. That makes you TA. You can feel the way you feel and also acknowledge your fiancé feels otherwise and come to a compromise. Relationships are about compromise. It’s your lack of compromise that is the issue here. Also, as a side note, even beyond the “status symbol” aspect; a ring she’s planning to wear every day of her life should be good enough quality that it’s not going to break in ten years. I doubt you’re going to get that for $500,” said EliraTheLock. 

“The real problem though isn’t how you’re thinking of this. It’s refusing to see value in the things your fiancee values, and instead deciding your love of money is more important. I’ll be honest. i don’t think even my lecture is truly new information to you. i would bet a twenty that your fiancee tried to bring this up to you, and you’ve tuned her out, dismissing it as absurd extravagance. it’s probably why she vented to friends about it – you’d stopped listening to her, after all. and honestly… you are coming at this from a place of massive judgement, just about sneering when you consider other people enjoying things you don’t think is worth it. That contempt for your fiancee and her family and the things she enjoys… is not a good sign. it’s not how you have a happy marriage,” said buttercream_bounce. 

What would you tell the OP to do? 

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Patricia Grisafi

Patricia Grisafi, PhD, is a freelance writer and educator. Her work has appeared in Salon, Vice, Bitch, Bustle, Broadly, The Establishment, and elsewhere. She is passionate about pit bull rescue, cursed objects, and designer sunglasses.