Patricia Grisafi
Baby showers can be beautiful events, but for women experiencing infertility, they can be painful reminders of their struggles. Add in an incredibly dense and boundary-pushing mother-to-be and you have an explosive situation.
On Reddit, one woman who is unable to have biological children is dealing with her husband’s pregnant friend who seems to like him more than her own husband—even going so far as to call him the second father. When the OP loses her cool at the baby shower, it causes a rift in her relationship with her husband—and she’s wondering if she went too far.
“My husband and I (both 37) have been together 7 years. For about 10 years, he’s had a close female friend named Jane. Jane is fine. We have enough in common that I like doing things in group settings with her and we even chat on our own occasionally, but she’s definitely closer to my husband. She’s been with her own husband since I came around, but I always got the sense, from Jane herself, from old photos, and a few old anecdotes from some of my husband’s other friends, that Jane wanted to date my husband before she met hers, and he just never showed any interest,” the OP says.
She adds that throughout the years, things have been a little weird but nothing to really set off alarms. The OP’s husband was the Man of Honor at her wedding, but the OP says Jane always seemed very happy with her husband.
“Fast forward to a few months ago and Jane became pregnant. She immediately asked my husband to be the godfather and he was thrilled…But through the months she’s turned weird. She’s wanted my husband to come with her and her husband baby shopping once or twice. Even asked how my husband felt about him and I being the first people to meet the baby when they’re born. It’s nice that she included me but clearly it’s about my husband. And then it escalated – she announced she was going to name the baby after my husband.”
Jane had a small baby shower recently and kept referring to the OP’s husband as the “Godfather-to-be,” which irked the OP. When Jane asked the OP to take a picture of her with her husband and the OP’s husband (saying, “Okay, now let’s get one with both the fathers-t0-be” the OP lost it.
“I said, very loudly, ‘OH COME THE FUCK ON. Are you serious?’ EVERYBODY heard me. I stared at her for a moment, she looked absolutely aghast, and I grabbed my purse and just left. My husband followed me, but in the car, he wouldn’t say a word to me.”
After talking, the OP’s husband finally said he sees that Jane’s behavior has been inappropriate and he understands how the OP feels. But “he is absolutely livid that I ‘ruined her baby shower.’ Jane is furious, never wants to see me again, and John feels this is going to drive a big wedge through his friend group.”
To add more information, the OP later said she and her husband are unable to have children due to medical reasons.
“Well, actually we tried for a long time to conceive, couldn’t, and have had to give up for health concerns. All of which Jane is well aware of. Hadn’t occurred to me until just now that that might have played a part in my anger at hearing her refer to my husband as a father,” she wrote.
Still, the OP wants to know if she overreacted, so she turned to Reddit.
“WOW I believe I have processed what happened. I’m going to say ESH because I have to pinpoint it but you have so much sympathy from me. There’s a time and a place for that and laying down the law but it’s not at her baby shower,” said HorseCemetary.
“Jane seriously has problems with boundaries and I am surprised that her own husband isn’t sick of this by now. OP had an outburst and left before it could escalate. But, someone had to break everyone out of their total acceptance of this wacko claiming two men as the fathers to be. Who the f*** does that anyway? At most I would say that the situation was cringeworthy, but mainly because Jane made it so by pushing boundaries in front of family and friends,” said PaganCHICK720.
“Yes your timing was extremely unfortunate, and you should apologize to the shower hosts and any guests you are friendly with. But dang, Jane needs to understand she poked, and poked, and poked, and POKED and yeah eventually that shit’s gonna come back at her as an attack. If she didn’t want to be called out she shouldn’t have acted as she did,” noted throwaway1975764.
“Jane has been a mile out of bounds for a long while. Probably your husband is only a dope and nothing more to Jane. But seriously, how can he tolerate this without knowing how inappropriate and disrespectful it is? And what about the disrespect to Jane’s husband? How he tolerates this is mind boggling. What you did probably embarrassed you and Jane, but maybe a little shock and awe is what she and your husband needed,” said YorkPepperMintPaddy.
“I feel bad for you, I feel worse for Jane’s husband. I mean, Imagine being Jane’s husband and realizing your wife is naming your first born after her best friend and also referring to him as a ‘father to be’ and inserting him into experiences like shopping for the baby. Yikes all around. Yeah, you should have restrained yourself, but I refuse to believe Jane, a fucking adult, doesn’t see how her behaviour is kind of weird and boundary crossing and that you were somehow socially obligated to hold her hand and explain your husband isn’t her baby’s second father and why that might be inappropriate to say. You could have worded things better, but I swear I choked on my coffee when I read the part about her referring to your husband as a father to be. So, if I had a visceral reaction to reading this story, I can only imagine what it was like to witness this in person. I can also imagine Jane’s husband’s family being secretly glad someone said something, I mean, wow,” — Sirventsalot said.
“The word BUT negates or cancels everything that goes before it. And is generally accepted as a signal that the really important part of the sentence is coming up. In other words, your husband doesn’t understand how you feel. He certainly doesn’t prioritize your feelings about Jane’s attachment and her inappropriate behavior at the shower. He immediately pivoted to worrying about Jane’s feelings and what his friends may think because that’s what he thinks is most important. All these posts about how you should have said something earlier miss the point: Jane has used her pregnancy and her baby shower to twist the knife about your infertility and as usual, your husband enabled her. That was the final straw for you. Whether or not you ‘could’ have handled things differently, the eruption was long overdue and your husband should be working full time to do something about that,” observed carrawayseed.
“Jane has said that she never wants to see you again. Instead of being horrified that she triggered you, and apologizing, she took a hard stance that she never wants to see you again. I have friends with fertility issues and it’s heartbreaking, and you’re just expected to choke it back and “be okay”. The fact that she’s digging in tells me that this wasn’t ignorance. This was her being malicious and throwing it in your face that she is a mother, your husband is a father, and you’ll never be included in this club. I mean, there’s literally no godmother. Just your husband. This is on purpose
Either your husband will take her side, because he’s thrilled to be a father and wants to be around his namesake, or this will be the end of their friendship. Basically, if he takes her side and actually goes through with being the godfather and not distancing himself, this will drive a wedge in your relationship. This will confirm your fears that Jane means more to him than you do. If he takes your side and starts to put boundaries up with Jane, including not being the godfather, then she will not take it well, as proven by her behavior,” explained cottoncandy_cook.
What do you think? Is it time for the OP to cut Jane out of their lives?
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