Aimeé
Though more than half of marriages end in divorce, the ceremony is still considered a lifelong commitment. At the very least, you’re probably about to spend a bunch of money and a divorce won’t come cheap either. Why not make sure this is something you really are ready to do before burning all that dough? And despite what the movies have taught you, being “sure” does not mean feeling like you’re in love. Until death do us part is a really long time, so make sure you and your partner are compatible even on days when you’re not feeling as in love as you did during the first rosy month together.
Some people go to counseling before getting married, but here’s a DIY checklist offered by Twitter user @cxkenobxkerry, who doesn’t seem to have any official credentials. She does offer some compelling arguments for why she thinks these are the things you need to talk about before saying, “I do.”
DONT GET MARRIED BEFORE: a thread
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 23, 2020
She shared her list in late July, and it caused quite a bit of discussion. See what you think of her original points and then we’ll get to some of the counter-arguments:
1. Debt
1. Talk about DEBT
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 23, 2020
2. Commitment
2. FULLY and WILLINGLY committing to one another. No “im not sure” and “what if’s” and “its not the right time.” you are either in or you’re OUT.
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 23, 2020
3. Kids
3. When/how many kids yall want (adoption? are one of you infertile? etc.)
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 23, 2020
4. STDs
4. Talking about STDs. Get checked. Seek medical help/informed professional knowledge. Keep those tests up to date and find ways to do so even within the marriage.
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 23, 2020
5. Timeline
5. Talk about your 5-10 year timeline regarding career/education. Can you move? Willingness to relocate? etc.
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 23, 2020
6. Religion
6. Levels of religiosity. Openness to growth? Lack Thereof? Do you share fundamental CORE beliefs about life? VERY important.
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 23, 2020
7. Anger Management
7. Anger managements issues: do one of you struggle? Are you in therapy for it/taking it out on others? Seek help, bc it will destruct you and the future and the children….
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 23, 2020
8. ˜vibes˜
8. Energy. Does it match? you decide. Follow your gut
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 23, 2020
9. Clothes
9. CLOTHING: it may seem like a small problem but small things eventually ADD up. Make sure your expectations MATCH one another to full comfort.
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 23, 2020
10. Sex
10. Sexual compatibility. Not going to go into details, but yall need to be on the same playing field. Consent wise, willingness to try things, traumas, etc… figure it out.
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 23, 2020
11. Money
11. Finances: how do you intend on splitting bills? Gender roles? Taking the parents in during old age? etc.
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 24, 2020
12. Personal Growth
12. Age doesn’t matter too much. In my experience it’s about the person & what their world views are. If you are young, make sure the person you’re with will allow you to keep growing at your own pace and in your own way. It’s called respect.
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 24, 2020
13. Boundaries
13. Opposite gender boundaries. Set what’s okay. What’s not okay. Hugs/handshakes/etc. I know it sounds tribal & trust should be there but you’d be surprised what people’s boundaries are. Better to know than not know
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 24, 2020
14. Social Media
14. Social media: believe it or not, people WILL break up over this. Some prefer privacy. Some not. Get on the same page or you’ll be clowning on one another.
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 24, 2020
15. Savings
15. I mentioned this before, but SAVINGS. How much do y’all have earned & combined? How much is your intended salaries? Is it sustainable? Apartment? House? Condos? Etc. speak futuristically if it’s not smthing u can afford right now. Get on the same page.
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 24, 2020
16. Cheating
16. What is cheating? Entanglements? Define your breaks? Breakups? Etc.
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 24, 2020
17. Abuse
17. Physical and verbal abuse: what is and isn’t considered abusive language and decorum? Seek help, please. Professionals can always step in.
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 24, 2020
18. Death
18. What are your dying wishes? Burial proceedings? What if one of you becomes paralyzed? God parents? Uncertain events? Death? Speak it. Speak on all of it.
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 24, 2020
19. Love
19. Importantly, LOVE is not what keeps relationships going. An active commitment to LOVE, despite the downfalls, keeps it going. Get out the princess-king happily ever after mindset and you’ll be fine
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 24, 2020
20. The Rest?
20. I want everyone to notice how I failed to mention level of education, family or tribal background, ethnicity, job level, & all. It’s because none of this matters in the long run. Trust. you ain’t a good person based off superficial attributes.
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 24, 2020
Reading all of these, I thought many seemed like things you would likely already know before anyone proposed. But there are a lot of difficult conversations that people don’t have about money that they really should. At the very least, having a list might make you think about stuff you’ve never talked about with your future spouse because it hasn’t come up—but it will. Why not address them before it’s too late to discover you’re on different pages?
Some people seem offended by the idea of trying to talk this stuff out at all, or they’re mad @cxkenobxkerry dared to offer her opinion on Twitter, a place notoriously free of opinions:
Guess I got to send cancellations to those who have my wedding invitations. Wedding is postponed …., I got to read this first
— #JustMelo (@melomdluli) July 26, 2020
Not to sound carefree or irresponsible, but checking on literally every single possible thing just to make sure everything goes right afterwards doesn’t guarantee you won’t have issues later on. Marriage has its own learning curve and teaches on-the-job. This isn’t a PhD thesis.
— Syed Baqir Jafri (@therealhamdy) July 24, 2020
Are u married? 😒
— Rumaiza Malik (@RumaizaMalik) July 24, 2020
But she is unfazed by the criticism:
i never said this would save your marriage. shit happens. life happens. all im saying is to know these things BEFORE you marry or go into a more serious chapter otherwise yo ass gonna look hella bent/ stupid at some point. prevent it lol
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 24, 2020
And a lot of people thanked her for bringing this stuff up:
Seriously love this. I have been telling my clients this but they think it’s too much to ask for and out of desperation and family pressure they give up. Reposting it on my Instagram
— Shugraa Iqbal (@Shugraa) July 24, 2020
Let my past mistakes be a great lesson for y’all future <3
— im famous dont talk to me (@cxkenobxkerry) July 24, 2020
I wasn’t gonna read this at first glance of title, because “oh brother 🙄”, but honestly – this is a really good thread. Being intentional is very important
— Lois Flower Bomb 🌺 (@africana_xo) July 24, 2020
What do you think? Anything you’d add to the list?
