Ruin My Week
The current crisis and resulting lockdown are doing weird things to people. They’re cutting their own hair (badly), they’re cutting their pets’ hair (horribly), and they’re spinning increasingly fantastical mental scenarios just to pass the time.
One such thought experiment went viral after @AlexArrelia tweeted out descriptions of Lord of the Rings characters reimagined as terrible ex-boyfriends.
Fuck it. I’m doing it: Men of Middle Earth as bad ex boyfriends who ruined your life:
— Alex Arrelia (@AlexArrelia) May 12, 2020
Gimli may be thicc but he’ll ruin your life.
1.
Aragorn
– has a trust fund, asks you to split dinner anyway because he’s “broke”
– bad boy aversion to responsibility used to be hot, now it’s just getting annoying
– “shampoo is bad for your hair” pic.twitter.com/i8NaEsQUF5— Alex Arrelia (@AlexArrelia) May 12, 2020
2.
Sam:
– really affectionate, but if you don’t text back he melts down
– won’t let you buy non-organic produce
– his best friend is your best friend now, you’re the third wheel on all your dates pic.twitter.com/tZ5jaHOOok— Alex Arrelia (@AlexArrelia) May 12, 2020
3.
Legolas:
– will not tell anyone you’re dating so he can keep his options open
– steals your hair products
– complains when he sees girls wearing Thrasher tees pic.twitter.com/wLiE1i4OUU— Alex Arrelia (@AlexArrelia) May 12, 2020
4.
Gimli:
– used to be fun but you never leave the house anymore
– if you talk during a football game you’re dead to him
– enormous family who won’t stop asking when you’re going to have kids pic.twitter.com/AAmF2qKQhB— Alex Arrelia (@AlexArrelia) May 12, 2020
5.
Eomer:
– only drinks craft beer and he will not shut up about it
– has confused brooding with having a personality
– not so much a “boyfriend” as the hot mistake you keep making over and over and over… pic.twitter.com/AcOvxfuCxh— Alex Arrelia (@AlexArrelia) May 12, 2020
6.
Faramir:
– more baggage than the overhead compartment of a 747
– really sweet but cannot get his shit together
– all that vanilla sex is starting to get real boring pic.twitter.com/e5jUMO0n5X— Alex Arrelia (@AlexArrelia) May 12, 2020
7.
Merry
– complete burn out
– banter is fun only until you realize your entire relationship is based on antagonism
– he is going to get you into serious trouble one day pic.twitter.com/FRNvTCctdf— Alex Arrelia (@AlexArrelia) May 12, 2020
8.
Pippin
– secret artistic side kinda not making up for what a clown he is
– caves instantly to peer pressure
– you can’t leave him unsupervised for like a second pic.twitter.com/bScmy2mSoN— Alex Arrelia (@AlexArrelia) May 12, 2020
9.
Frodo:
– doe-eyed schtick is getting tired
– complete layabout who’s never worked a day in his life
– estimation of his own moral superiority is somehow both unshakeable and totally unearned pic.twitter.com/u71R2yw8TM— Alex Arrelia (@AlexArrelia) May 12, 2020
10.
Gandalf:
– ghosts you exactly when you need him most
– probably in a crappy prog rock band, keeps “reinventing” himself
– “weed sommelier” pic.twitter.com/xsHOcwk2b5— Alex Arrelia (@AlexArrelia) May 12, 2020
