When you’re pregnant, do yourself a favor. Keep the baby’s name to yourself and save a lot of unnecessary drama. No matter how eccentric or vanilla your child’s name is, someone will hate it and will tell you—either straight to your face or behind your back in a series of covert text messages that you will eventually find out about.
When I told my family my son’s name was going to be Damien, my Uncle told me my deceased Aunt “would’ve hated it.” Then there were the family members who couldn’t get over the fact that once upon a time, a horror movie called The Omen was made, and the devil child was named Damien. I love horror movies, so I didn’t care about that one—but the lesson here is someone will always have something obnoxious to say about your choice.
In a more extreme version of this story, one woman wrote a Facebook post about why she decided to cancel her baby shower when friends and family went bonkers over her choice of baby name. It’s now memorialized in Reddit’s Insane People On Facebook subreddit.
The mother, whose identity has not been revealed, announced that she was cancelling her shower because she was naming her child Squire Sebastian Senator and people were giving her s*** about it. I can get on board with that. Name your kid whatever you want. They’ll hate it or love it or change it one day. Did you know Joaquin Phoenix was originally named Leaf?
But the tone of the her proclamation (because that’s really what it is) is a little…well, you’ll see.
“Dear Members of the Squire Sebastian Senator Babyshower. I have a really important announcement to make. It brings me pain to have to tell you this, but I am cancelling the event,” she writes. “I will text you soon if you’re invited to my smaller, more inclusive party. At least here no one will judge me.”
“To say this frankly, my friends and family have treated me like total s—,” she continues. “They’ve spread rumors and lies about my child. No, I am not crazy. No, I am not mentally unstable. No, I was not drunk when I named my child.”
Okay, still on board here. It’s not nice to call someone crazy because they want to name their child something eccentric.
“This is that name I was meant to give him. No, that is not his full name. ‘Squire Sebastian Senator’ is only his first name. This is how it will be. He will not be allowed to have a nickname, he is to be called by his full and complete first name.”
And with a few dogmatic assertions, we’re now in a totally different world—one in which this mother seems to think she can control things like her son not having a nickname. Try enforcing that rule when your child starts telling everyone to call him Sebby and then throws a bowl of spaghetti at you.
“I never knew this family could be so judgmental,” she continues. “We come from a long lasting family of both squires and senators. If you look back in our family tree, the survival of this clan is literally rooted in squiredom. We are all related to senators too. This name conveys power. It conveys wealth. It conveys success.”
I don’t understand the squires and senators thing, but the last three lines scream Donald Trump to me, so I’m done here.
Except I’m not because then there’s this wild chunk of prose.
“My baby’s name WILL be a revolution. It will push people to question everything. Why name your baby boring and over-used names like Joshua, Brian, Sam, Nick, Mark, Bella, Marina, etc… when you can name it something special. Squire Sebastian Senator will live a powerful, wholesome life. His confidence will not diminish simply because his name is out of the ordinary. Instead, he will be extraordinary.”
Sorry Marina! Go f*** yourself with your basic, lame-a** name!
Someone, please, maybe check up on Squire Sebastian Senator in a few years because linguistically, Mama’s narcissism is showing big-time, and it takes a village to save little kids from a lifetime suffering from porous boundaries and an unstable sense of self! It’s not his job to be extraordinary, it’s his job to be a kid.
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