Patricia Grisafi
When you’re in a relationship, you have to make compromises. You might move for someone’s job or put your child in a school you like when your partner thinks another choice is better. Hopefully, no one is really harmed by any of these compromises. But what if you have a highly specialized job that is in direct conflict with your partner’s dream job and divorce seems like the only option?
This is probably a pretty rare occurrence, but one Redditor explained that this is in fact what is happening in her life right now. Did this person make a mistake choosing her career over her marriage? Or is that even what this dilemma is about?
The OP explains that she is the breadwinner in her household, with “multiple, highly specialized degrees for a niche industry. I make 200k+, with potential to get in the 600-M’s range.”
She says that her husband has a broad degree and work experience. Right before COVID hit, he quit his job to search for a better one. Well, he found his dream job—but this job directly puts the OP’s job stability at risk (she does not explain how).
“My company and this org. are adversarial, at best. My field is extremely secretive, and if clients discovered my spouse was working for a competitor, I would be permanently tainted. I wouldn’t be able to get a job in the industry forever. I know this sounds like an exaggeration, but I promise you, it absolutely is not. It’d be like if I worked in protecting the privacy of celebrities, and he worked for TMZ. If he tapped my car, got into my work devices, he could use that to advance his career, and any trust I have in this field will be gone. Even if I trusted my husband not to do that, my clients and company don’t. Worse, b/c my background is so specialized, this is the only field I can work in.”
The OP asked her husband to drop consideration for the job because she said that they would lose income. “He does not have to work for this organization. Even if the job market is awful right now, his background gives him access to a wide range of jobs, but I only have this one, niche field,” she says.
“He was extremely angry, and said I was ‘selfish and only cared about money.’ I told him that if he wanted to go back to school for an advanced degree or just be unemployed for a while, I would support him, but taking this job isn’t possible. He continued the process behind my back, and got the offer. He wants to accept it, b/c he says his career needs to take priority and that I wasn’t being a supportive wife. I feel so betrayed.”
“I told him he could decline the offer, w/me watching him physically decline it, or he could accept the offer and move out immediately. I would pay for him to stay two weeks at a hotel, and we would begin divorce proceedings. My company is willing to take care of all of my legal fees. I feel fucking awful. I still love him. I moved decisively, b/c this was the best way to cut my losses, but it still hurts. He called me heartless and cold. It’s true that I was prioritizing my career over his, but it felt like the only option at the time.”
Well, I am very curious as to what this woman’s job is, but the bigger question is did she make the right choice? Is she being selfish or is her husband at fault?
“I think the fact that he’s not considering the fact that his wife makes more than 3X what he will is stupid. It’s like cutting off your entire face to spite your ears. Be happy that your wife is successful in her career and is willing to support the both of you. This is the 21st century get that macho bullshit out of your head. Either find a job that doesn’t conflict, or go back to school so you can. I couldn’t imagine throwing away my marriage for a 65k a year job. Maybe if it was 650k he MIGHT have some justification but even then it would be shitty. I honestly hate people bringing up toxic masculinity it this is a prime example; being unable to sacrifice something small for your wife who contributes so much. I hope he figures out this job and it’s pathetic 65k a year is worth his marriage. Time for him to get head out of his own ass but it might be stuck at this point,” said Millennials_RuinedIt.
“You aren’t choosing between your husband and your career. You are choosing to not be with a man who is willing to sabotage your future over a job offer. He has the time to continue looking for another job. He is choosing a job offer over you and your livelihood, not just for now, but into the future. As a nice topper, he is gaslighting you and making you believe his choices are your fault. I’m am so sorry. He has put you into an awful situation. You are not being heartless and cold. You do not only care about money. You are protecting yourself from someone who is not currently making you a priority or giving you any consideration,” observed 3m2coy.
“Some are saying you’ve decided your job is important than your husband. They’re ignoring that he seems to have decided a job offer is more important than your entire career. I was ready to call you the asshole considering we frequently see people unnecessarily prioritize their career over their spouses when compromise is possible. However he’s refusing compromise. To address the people calling this a trust issue – it doesn’t matter if she trusts him. Her company and her clients don’t. He knows this and chose to pursue this job anyway. If she doesn’t trust someone who’s willing to destroy her entire career for a single job I don’t blame her. Men aren’t usually the spouse making career sacrifices for the greater good of the couple. I don’t know for sure but that could be something he’s struggling with,” observed FirmCampaign8221.
“You told him from the beginning that if he took this job it would end your specialised career. He went ahead with the application behind your back. Regrettably, he put you in the position of choosing between him and your career. I think you made the right choice, you clearly resent what he’s done and I can’t see that getting better if you lose everything you worked for,” noted Mahliki.
“You’ve been in your career field longer than he has, he is straight up moving on with taking a job with your direct competitor, which will ruin your career. He’s calling you heartless, only caring about money and your career, but he’s only caring about his POSSIBLE career, not thinking about you and yours at all. This is bigger than just career and jobs, he has very little respect for you,” said Cocoasneeze.
According to Redditors, it sounds like she made the right decision. What do you think?
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