Jason Mustian
For better or worse, in sickness or in health, for as long as we both shall keep stuffing full garbage cans further and further hoping the other person takes it out.
140 characters may not seem like a lot when it comes to describing a marriage, but these lawfully-wedded folks sure seem to have figured out how to air their marital dirty laundry on Twitter. Enjoy this selection of funny marriage tweets!
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I'm never more nervous than when I insist we're out of something and my wife goes to look for it herself.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2017
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Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.
-marriage
— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) September 2, 2017
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ME: I bought you some new undershirts.
HIM: [genuinely] That's exciting.
NARRATOR: Marriage.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 4, 2016
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I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 15, 2017
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https://twitter.com/Home_Halfway/status/834125937713217541
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[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2017
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Due to personal reasons, I’ll be flushing the toilet every time my husband showers this week.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) January 29, 2020
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*watching husband sleep*
Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"
*husband snores*
Me: "I can't live like this."
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
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wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they'll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we're sleeping in shifts from now on
— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) October 28, 2017
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Me: I'm gonna take a shower.
Husband, raising eyebrows suggestively: Need any help?
Me: Yeah, keep the kids busy.— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 23, 2017
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Marriage status: My wife refused to move, so I made the bed over the top of her. pic.twitter.com/DPEz9buSPi
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 11, 2017
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My husband surprised me by taking today off. Now I have to pretend like I do dishes and laundry and shit while he's working. My Friday is ruined.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) November 17, 2017
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Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
— Kate Sidley (@sidleykate) October 21, 2017
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My wife combined so many coupons the grocery store actually paid her.
She's been talking about it for 20 minutes.
This is her Super Bowl.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2017
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https://twitter.com/CurlyChaoticMom/status/966511107455225858
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Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 1, 2017
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I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2017
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[getting ready to go out]
Wife: What are you wearing?
Me: This.
Wife:
Me: Not this.
Wife: Good guess.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 1, 2020
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Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 28, 2020
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Made it to that level of marriage where you get in trouble for being able to fall asleep so fast.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 8, 2020
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ME: *sets down anything*
WIFE: [from the other room] please don’t leave that there
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 1, 2020
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When I tell my husband to do that thing I like, he usually hands me all his money and a grilled cheese sandwich.
— Felicia (@LostFelicia) January 8, 2020
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Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) October 5, 2017
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https://twitter.com/AnkCoupleTO/status/854657987079753730
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Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven't had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 19, 2020
